The Good Ship SS Claire aka The Hot Ship
by makoto-47
Summary: A.K.A. the Best Story You Have Ever or Will Ever Read. Em and Rach decide they need their own crew of stunningly gorgeous men to sail them around the world aimlessly on their Hot Ship. Enter every lust object you've ever craved, and add a dash of random.
1. A Quick but Important Note

****QUICK NOTE:  
This is very important! This story was up once before and was deleted- I don't know why and I have enquired MANY many times as to the reason and no one told me why. If you know why, before organizing the deleting of this- PLEASE PLEASE write me and let me know why because I am MORE than willing to change it- just let me know what! Thanks SO much!  
  
*****ANOTHER QUICK NOTE:  
I do not own any of the characters in the story (except Emily, Rachael, Lan, Tamela, the Figgy Brigands and the S.S. Claire)! A list of things I don't own: Disney Characters Lord of the Rings Characters Harry Potter Characters Garnier Fructis Sinbad and the Seven Seas First Knight Treasure Planet Billy Blanks or Tae Bo Pilates Herbal Essence Any actors Named Fig Newtons Pamela Ribon's book: Why Girls Are Weird (I mean, yes I have a copy.) Puppets Dollar General  
  
**Thanks! 


	2. Buying A Ship and Finding a Crew

On the Good Ship, the S.S. Claire, aka The Hot Ship  
  
Chapter One  
  
Emily and Rachael were sitting on the couch at Emily's house, and they were rather bored. They had just watched the Pirates of the Caribbean and Sinbad and the Legend of the Seven Seas, and they were now thinking about how boring their own lives were.  
"God," exclaimed Rachael, "Could our lives BE anymore boring? Without us being cheerleaders or preps, I mean, of course..."  
"Well, that settles it, then," said Emily, standing up and putting her hands on her hips.  
"That settles what?" asked Rachael, confused.  
"We'll buy a ship and go to sea. You and I can be Co-Captains," said Emily.  
"Uh-huh, and how are we going to buy this ship? Your mom wouldn't even give us $350 so you could go to Disney World!" said Rachael, skeptically.  
"I am a sad, poor, deprived child," agreed Emily, "But, really, how much can a ship cost? I've saved my last pay check, and I have $19 to spend however I please!"  
  
* * * * *  
"Who knew ships were so expensive?" said Emily, incredulous, two hours later.  
"I told you!" exclaimed Rachael, "There's not a ship in this harbor under $500, and that's for the really janky ones!"  
"Hey, where'd this harbor come from, anyway?" Emily asked, as she wheeled around and looked at this busy harbor, filled with ships, merchants, etc. It was a scene right out of Pirates of the Caribbean or any other movie set by a beach and in the olden days. Actually, it looked most like the space port from Treasure Planet, only no "space boats" or whatever, only REAL ships.  
"Less questions, more figuring out where we're going to get the money to finance the building or buying of a boat," ordered Rachael, and with that they sat down in the middle of the road, and began to brainstorm ideas. Conveniently enough, the crowd parted and walked around them, as they thought.  
"I've an idea!" exclaimed Rachael, after a few minutes.  
"What?"  
"I'll take all my college money out of the bank and we'll have a ship!" she exclaimed.  
"Ah...and that will go over so nicely with your parents, eh?" It was Emily's turn to be skeptical.  
"Well, if I'm going to sea for the rest of my life, it's not like I'll need college." reasoned Rachael. Emily shrugged, and they went of to tell Rachael's parents the good news.  
  
* * * * *  
A few hours later, after they had recovered from all the screaming and crying and gnashing of teeth, Rachael and Emily walked once more among the harbor. They had enough money to finance a nice ship and, as Emily had reminded Rachael later, take on a good crew too.  
"Remind me again why we need a crew?" asked Rachael.  
"Really, Rach, it's very simple: we have never sailed before. A crew can sail, which is a plus when you're on a boat. Secondly," She grinned mischievously, "We can get a crew of hot guys who have to do whatever we say."  
"Well, now that you mention it, a crew does sound like a worthy investment!" exclaimed Rachael, but she was cut short of any further comments when Emily threw out her arm and pointed.  
"Ooo!" she exclaimed, mesmerized, "I want!"  
Rachael looked where Emily was pointing. A tall ship made of dark wood sat in the harbor, anchored and rather empty. A conveniently placed "For Sale" sign sat on the deck. It was very nice, with sails of green and blue.  
"Ooo!" squealed Rachael, "I want too!"  
"But how do we know if it's a good ship?" asked Emily, "You may recall, we know nothing about ships."  
"Well, we'll just ask this guy." With that, Rachael reached out and grabbed the cloak of a passerby. As he turned, Rachael and Emily gasped. The stranger was tall and skinny, with dark brown eyes and dark brown hair tied carelessly back into a ponytail. He was clothed in a white shirt, brown vest, brown trousers, sock things, and brown shoes.  
Emily was first to recover, as she whispered in Rachael's ear, "I want that too." Rachael shushed her as the man began to speak.  
"Good day, ladies. May I be of service?" he said in a brisk British accent. Emily pinched herself to keep from swooning, then spoke in return.  
"Uh, yes, please, if you don't mind. We were wondering about that ship over there," She pointed, "Is it a good ship? Sea-worthy, and all that jazz?"  
(In case you wondering, no, my dance class did not jump out and start dancing, it's merely a coincidence that I used the title of our jazz song in this song.so shhhh!)  
"Why, yes, lady, finest ship in the harbor. May I ask why?"  
"Well, we're looking for a ship, we'd like to put to sea, and such and we need a boat. Actually, we need a crew, too. I don't suppose you could help us there, Mr.-?"  
"Bloom, lady, Orlando Bloom," he said, smiling, "as it just so happens, my friends and I were looking for a spot in a good ship, looking for adventure and the like."  
"There are more of you?" Rachael had remembered how to speak. Emily pinched her, and that shut her up quickly. Actually, it didn't but it distracted her temporarily.  
"Yes, Mr. Bloom, we'd be delighted to meet your - er - crew." Emily tried not to giggle, as she shook his hand. "We'll meet right here in half and hour."  
"Uh, may I ask your names, lady?" he asked, before she left.  
"Oh yes, I am Emily C***** S***********, and this is my Co-Captain, Rachael A** G********."  
"Very well, then, Ms. S***********, Ms. G********, I'll meet you in a half an hour."  
* * * * * 


	3. Sailing for Where?

Chapter Two  
  
Rachael and Emily couldn't believe their luck. Not only had they bought the ship cheaply, they were now standing before what must surely be the world's seven hottest men. Orlando was now introducing them one by one.  
"Elijah Wood." (Emily was hard-pressed not to drool over the blue- eyes curly haired man with a sweet smile.)  
"Johnny Depp." (Emily by-passed this one after a quick once-over, but Rachael continued to peer interested at the dark haired man with dreadlocks, lotsa beads in them, and a hat and handkerchief thingy, and a lot, a lot of eyeliner, until Emily poked her as she was holding up the intros.)  
"Dominic Monaghan." (Both girls returned the sandy haired, dark-eyed man's smile.)  
"Peregrin Took." (He's a little short," whispered Emily in Rachael's ear. "Yes, but so cute," said Rachael..)  
"Aragorn, son of Arathorn" ("Pardon me while I check into the Hot Hotel!" whispered Rachael, as Emily blushingly shook his hand.)  
"And lastly, Sinbad, former pirate and sailor extraordinaire." ("Doesn't he look just a little bit like a cartoon?" asked Emily, "But yet again," Rachael answered, "So hot!")  
Once finished, Orlando returned to the head of the line.  
"Well, men," began Emily, "We are your captains, and no, we know nothing about sailing or sword-fighting, but that's what you're here to teach us. Among other things...heeheehee..ahem, we sail out tomorrow morning, so make yourselves at home and do some saily stuff whilst Rachael and I go outfit ourselves."  
She turned to Rachael, "Now this isn't a dance party. We must be practical."  
"I completely understand. No halter tops, high-heels, etc. Only serviceable draw-string loose capri pants, loose shirts and all that other stuff sailors wear." said Rachael.  
  
* * * * *  
They had been at sea for three days, and Rachael and Emily were lounging on the deck, each in one of their new bikinis. Ok, no, those are not serviceable whatevers, but they had to indulge in something, right? Anywho, Rachael's was a black string bikini, and Emily's a white one. Both had Disney Princess sunglasses in their respective princess, (Belle for Emily, Arial for Rachael) and matching flip-flops lay on the deck besides their lounge-chairs. They were sharing Virgin Strawberry Daiquiris, and watching their incredibly hot crew run around shirtless as they did...saily things.  
Already, the sailors had fallen desperately in love with their new captains, whose duties, besides an hour a day's lesson in both sailing and sword-fighting, mainly consisted of lounging around on the deck and making out with the hot crew as they saw fit.  
"Ah, this is the life." sighed Rachael, turning over and reaching for the drink.  
"How did we ever live before?" agreed Emily. "Although, you know, we really should think of some purpose...."  
"Ach, yes, the crew will start getting restless if we just sail around aimlessly forever. Not that I'd mind or anything." said Rachael, and then she and Emily did their I'm-so-happy-I'm-sailing-all-around-the-world- with-the-hottest-crew-in-the-world laugh that they did nearly every hour or so. (The crew had gotten used to it.)  
"And not only are they hot, they're so sweet." said Emily. "But anyways, listen to this, what if we went on a quest-type-thing for the perfect Disney castle in the perfect location?"  
"Beauty and the Beast castle on Little Mermaid's plot?" said Rachael promptly.  
"Of course, and there we can start our fleet."  
"Of stunningly gorgeous men on ships?"  
"You are so perceptive."  
"Thank you. Shall we tell the crew?"  
"Of course." Emily then sat up and gave the call to gather:  
"ALL HANDS ON THE POOP!......deck." (Followed of course by crazy laughter.)  
So all the crew swung on ropes and hopped, skipped and jumped towards the POOP...deck, where Sinbad was steering. Emily and Rachael slowly got up and retrieved their flip-flops and large hats (Yes, I know they came out of nowhere!) And walked slowly towards the POOP...deck, where their loyal and incredibly hot crew was gathered.  
"Ah," said Rachael, as they sat on the rail and merely gazed at the HOT crew. Most of them blushed, before Rachael continued, "Ah...we have someplace to go."  
All of the men cheered as they had just been sailing aimlessly for the past three days, not they overly minded.  
"We are going to...um...where does the Little Mermaid take place?" Emily asked Rachael confused.  
"Ooo...where does it take place?" said Rachael.  
"Um, do any of you know Prince Eric?" Emily asked crew, hopefully. Most of them were shaking their heads no, but Sinbad looked thoughtful.  
"Um, tall, dark haired guy sails ships, and also the world's biggest prat?" Sinbad asked them.  
"HEY! That's my fairy tale prince you're talking about!" Rachael exclaimed, until Emily hit her in the nana. "You have all of them." she gestured at the rest of the crew.  
"Oh yeah..."  
"Anyway, yeah, that's him. So, do you know where he lives?" asked Emily.  
"Oh yeah, I've robbed him a couple times." said Sinbad.  
"Ah, nothing like a warm welcome..." said Emily wryly, "Yes, well head for that place...You are a reformed pirate, right?"  
"Oh, yes, definitely."  
With that, Rach and Emily prepared to leave the POOP...deck, and return to sunbathing, this time with Orlando and Aragorn, when they heard a cry off the...hmm...Starboard bow! Rachael and Emily immediately begin doing the "Star Trek" dance from church camp (Come on, you know the words!)as the music blared over their fantastic sound system. (Did I mention the fantastic sound system?) After a few minutes they heard the sound again, and Dom called from the...crow's nest, "MAN OVERBOARD!"  
"WHAT!?" screamed Emily and Rachael in shock, and they immediately (it's a colour guard reflex) started counting everyone to make sure it wasn't one of their hot men overboard. "One..two..three, four...five, six," They turned and counted each other and themselves, "Seven, eight...THERE SHOULD BE NINE! AS IN THE FELLOWSHIP OR THE NÁZGUL! WHERE IS PIPPIN?"  
"Over here, ladies!" Pippin called from a coil of rope that was hiding him.  
"Oh thank God!" they exclaimed, "Now, let's see who it is overboard."  
So all of the people ran over to the starboard side, which caused the deck to tip the...right I think.  
"HEY!" Rachael exclaimed, "This is just like the time we saw the statue of Liberty!"  
"Yeah! Except this time you're not allowed to throw pantyhose overboard! Anywho, Let's roll a quarter from the other side of the deck!"  
"OK!" So they scampered off while the men dragged up the man who was overboard.  
"HEY! We should have Travis join the Hot ship!" exclaimed Emily.  
"OK, next time we're in port."  
They rolled the coin down the deck where the wet and sopping man who had been hauled onto the ship smacked his hand down on it to catch it, and then he promptly said, "Deal the Cards!" (Then he picked it up and started whispering to it as if it were a moth.)  
"HEY! That's Ian McKellan aka Gandalf the White!" exclaimed Emily.  
"Ooo!" said Rachael, walking over to Sir Ian, "Why, Hello there!"  
"Um.is this the gay cruise?" he asked hopefully, looking up at all the hot men.  
"MOST DEFINITELY NOT!" shouted the girls, "This is OUR hot men ship!"  
"Oh, well, I'm gay! So, you won't want me."  
Rachael was looking at him rather lustfully.  
"I'm sorry but the penalty of being hauled on board by my men is to sleep with one of the captains. And since you are gay you must do it twice." Rachael clapped her hands twice as she said, "Men, bring him to my chamber! Emily, I may need your help on this one!"  
"ERLACK, ERLACK!" Emily exclaimed, as everyone looked around at her, "He's my grandfather, I can't sleep with him!"  
"Oh, fair point." said Rachael, agreeing.  
So the men took Sir Ian, howling and screaming into Rachael's bunk room thing. When they came back out, Emily kept boredom away by busying herself with the remaining men, except for Sinbad who had to run up occasionally to the steering wheel thing and make sure they were still on course.  
They were having a pleasant afternoon, lots of sandwiches (which Emily made for them) and singing and dancing to the excellent sound system. But a few minutes later they heard the door to Rachael's bunk room thing being flung open.  
They looked up to see Sir Ian, standing there, clad only in his boxer shorts, looking really happy.  
"I'M NEVER GOING BACK!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.  
"HUZZA!" everyone yelled, and they all got up to say "Hooray and Congratulations to you!" to Ian.  
Emily walked over to Rachael as she sidled out of her bunk room thing.  
"Nicely done." said Emily.  
"Thank you. Now, on to the Little Mermaid land."  
  
* * * * * 


	4. A New Crew Member and A Bonfire Party

Chapter Three  
  
A few days later, they were nearing closer and closer to Little Mermaid Land. Everyone was very excited, and they made many preparations: the crew cleaned the ship and...er...other shipy stuff, while the Captains looked through their clothes and found their prettiest ball gowns and other exciting outfits to wear on land.  
Orlando (who had been properly named "first mate"... teeheehee) walked in to their captains' rooms, to find them on the floor amongst large fluffy piles of dresses. However, the captains seemed much more interested in palying with all of Emily and her sisters' old dance costumes. Emily was wearing a long, dark blue tutu under a red and white checked country-type dress with a white baseball cap with a red sequined star on it. Rachael a short black lacy dress over a short black halter dress, with a short blue and gold platter tutu over it, with a white band style hat with a long red feather poking out of it. Rachael was saying, "Mow, Mow, Mow!" while Emily was exclaiming, "Caught like a fish in snake trap!"  
Orlando was about to clear his throat to gain their attention (by now, he was used to their odd behaviors, ever since he had walked into their rooms and they had been dancing around singing "Me bum-bum! Me bum- bum!", he had stopped feeling like he had walked in on a secret pagan ritual or something), when they noticed him.  
"Why hello!" they both exclaimed.  
"Hi!" he said brightly, then looking slightly disconcerted, asked, "What are you doing?"  
"Well, this is my hat and my skirt and my...PANTALETS!" said Emily by way of explanation.  
"Ah..ha..." said Orlando, who did not understand.  
"We made cookies," said Rachael, which made quite a bit more sense, holding up a cookie, "Would you like one?"  
"Yes, please!" said Orlando, since the girls' cooking was held in wide renown.  
"Come and get a bite, my handsome little...fairy!" said Rachael, as she and Emily did a little shaky dance thing. So Orlando walked over and sat on the floor and ate cookies, while Emily and Rachael continued to sort through old dance costumes and dresses to wear. A good fifteen minutes had passed before Emily looked up at Orlando asking, "Did you have a message or something to tell us or have you merely come a-visiting?"  
"OH! Right!" Orlando had now remembered, "The crew told me to tell you that we'll be docking near Little Mermaid Land tonight, and then sailing into the harbor tomorrow morning."  
"SEHR GUT!" exclaimed the girlies, and then they lovingly shoved Orlando out the door so they could get ready for the next day.  
* * * * *  
A few hours later, Pippin knocked on the door to the captains' rooms. He heard a loud banging noise as the captains raced to answer the door. It was wrenched open, and the two girls stood in the doorway, desperately trying to stifle their giggles.  
"Teeheehee...." giggled Rachael, then she commanded, "Pick a card!"  
Emily offered the pack of Guess-tures cards to Pippin, who hesitated, and then grabbed the central card. Holding it up, he looked to see what was on it. He was confused, as this wasn't a normal playing card, it merely had words on it, predominantly featuring (in large, bold, black, letters) the word:  
"TONGUE DEPRESSOR!" Shouted the girls, collapsing into giggles, as Pippin stood uncomprehending, looking at the cards which had fluttered out of the girls' hands as they collapsed, all of which read "TONGUE DEPRESSOR" in large, bold letters in various shades.  
Finally, the girls regained control, and stood up, facing Pippin, and Rachael asked, "Now, what did you need?"  
"Well, the crew asked me to inform you that we are nearing shore and would you please come and survey the position? If you find it acceptable, we'll drop anchor for the night."  
"Excellent!" exclaimed Emily, and she and Rachael both gave him a kiss, one on each cheek. They then slammed the door in his face, and retreated into their room once more. Pippin shrugged and returned to his post on the deck, preparing things for the dock.  
A few minutes later, Emily and Rachael emerged from their room, dressed in bikinis (green and blue, respt.), shorts, flip-flops, and large hats. Their arms were laden with beach balls, a volleyball net, picnic baskets and beach blankets.  
Aragorn stepped forward, and pointed off the starboard bow.  
"STARBOARD BOW!" exclaimed Rachie and Emmy, but then exchanging glances, looked crestfallen as they said, "No time for that now."  
"Ladies, if you will look with me off the-" Aragorn hesitated, then continued, "Starboard bow, you'll see the position."  
The girlies set down their bundles and scampered over to the edge of the deck. They looked at their position. It looked like a sandy beach, back- shadowed by a forest of tall trees. After observing it for a few minutes, they exchanged happier looks, and said to each other, "It'll do."  
They turned back to the crew and said in a loud voice, "DROP ANCHOR!"  
"No need to shout!" exclaimed Sinbad, "We're right in front of you."  
"Oh, yes...well then....drop anchor, and prepare to row to land."  
The men exchanged glances, they had been expecting to spend the night on the ship, but an order was an order and they knew the captains would only plan fun, exciting and good plans for them.  
Within in a few minutes, they were ready. The sun was just preparing to set, as Dom and Elijah helped Emily into a boat that Orlando was steadying; and Sir Ian and Johnny helped Rachael into a boat Sinbad was steadying. Pippin and Aragorn lowered the boats into the water and then slid down a rope into one of the boats each, both were heavily laden with the beach balls and various other things that Emmy and Rachie had decided they needed for the night.  
Once they reached the shore, Rachie and Emmy ran onto the sandy beach, and began laying out stuff as the men tied off the lifeboats. Soon, they had a volleyball net set up, a food area, various blankets, and were working on a fire. As the men finished tying of the boats, a few came over and helped them build the fire, while the others dragged over a few hay bales as one would see on a hay ride.  
"VIOLA!" exclaimed Emily, throwing her hands in the air.  
"I believe it's voilá," corrected Rachael.  
"Maybe for normal people," said Emily, "but for me, it will always be 'viola.'" Rachie shrugged as Emily began again.  
"VIOLA!" exclaimed Emily, throwing her hands in the air, "Welcome to the good ship, the S.S. Claire, aka the Hot Ship's crew party. We have volleyball, of which Rachael and I will be abstaining and will merely be the line judges, food, fire, and blankets for.....er-sitting." Her grin suggested other activities, "I hope you will all enjoy. Any questions?"  
"When will we be returning to the ship?" asked Johnny.  
"Oh...." They exchanged glances, and then Rach said, "Oh, whenever, just let us know when you're ready."  
With that the people set off to do various activities. Johnny came up to Rachael with a bottle of sun screen.  
"Can I assist you with some sun screen, lady?" he asked.  
"But, wait a minute, the sun's going down-" started Emmy, before Rachael cut her off.  
"Don't discourage him!" She then turned back to him, "Of course!"  
Emily, meanwhile, went off to supervise the men who were piling lots of firewood on the fire.  
  
* * * * *  
A few hours later, everyone was having a lot of fun. Emily and Rachael were preparing the nachos while the men finished their volleyball game. (Emily and Rachael don't play volleyball or any other type of organised sport. Instead, they do their part for Jesus by colouring pictures of Him and His friends. I think Spanish Jesus is my favourite, but Gay Gabriel, Gay Pride Joseph and Rainbow Haired Solomon are all soooo pretty. )  
The men had just finished a play over which there was much dispute. They called out to the line judges to get a ruling on the play.  
"LINE JUDGES!" called the men. (The crew was, like all men, very competitive even though it was just a silly little game.) Emily glanced up to see what they wanted, when she noticed something weird, strange, and not good.  
"Um...guys?" she said, hesitantly, "The hay bales are on fire!"  
Everyone looked over, aghast, and sure enough, three of eight hay bales were smoldering happily away.  
"ZOINKS!" yelled everyone, and they raced over to the hay bales.  
"WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE-" Sir Ian ran around in a panic, until Aragorn went over and calmly slapped him.  
"You'd never know he used to be gay," whispered Rachael to Emily, who grinned and then started giving orders.  
"PULL THE REMAINING HAY BALES AWAY FROM THE FIRE!" she yelled, and everyone rushed to do so, while Sir Ian ran around in circles yelling things like, "SAVE THE CHILDREN! SAVE THE CHILDREN!"  
After a minute or two, the hay bales not on fire were far enough away so that they wouldn't catch on fire with the fire that was burning ever higher, Rachael surveyed the burning bales.  
"Well, let's get the fire out!" she said cheerfully, walking over towards the fire.  
"BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY WATER!" screamed Sir Ian.  
"WE DON'T HAVE ANY WATER?!" screamed everyone else, "BUT HOW WILL WE PUT OUT THE FIRE?!"  
"I DON'T KNOW!" screamed Sir Ian.  
Everyone ran over in panic and, as they could think of nothing else, threw sand on the burning hay, while screaming things like, "SAVE THE CHILDREN! SAVE THE CHILDREN!" Large handfuls of sand went flying everywhere, and luckily, some of it fell on the burning hay bales.  
After a few minutes, most of the fire was out, so Orly, Elijah and Dom threw the rest of the bales that had been on fire on top of the fire, and everyone retreated a fair distance away and collapsed in an exhausted pile, hot, thirsty, and sandy.  
"Ugh!" exclaimed Rachael, "I'm so thirsty!"  
"Me too!" said Emily, "And I'm all sandy and stuff!"  
So the girlies got up and got themselves and the crew a juice box.  
"I just love juice boxes!" exclaimed Emily, "I think I'm a juice box addict!"  
"I think you are too." said Rachael, "But now let's go wash off all this sand in the ocean."  
Everyone thought this sounded like a great idea, so, holding hands, they ran down to the water's edge and splashed their way out to where it was about waist deep. Emily promptly dove under and swam about for a little bit. Then she surfaced.  
"Brr!" she exclaimed, "When the sun goes down, this water is kinda-" She abruptly stopped and stood stock still.  
"Chilly, yeah, I know," said Rachael, not noticing Emmy's expression for a second, then she looked at Emily with a questioning look, then repeated to herself what Emily just said, "This water....?" Comprehension dawned on her and both she and Emily wheeled around, shouting, "SIR IAN MCKELLAN!"  
"Uh-oh," whispered Sinbad to Ian, "They used your full name, you're in trouble!" Ian nodded, and looked at his captains.  
"WHY DID YOU SAY THERE WAS NO WATER?" they shouted in unison, "WE'RE AT AN OCEAN!"  
Everyone smacked themselves on their foreheads in disbelief, and looked at Sir Ian.  
"Er-I forgot...anyway, no harm done, right?" he said, hopefully.  
Everyone agreed, and the party went on.  
  
* * * * * 


	5. More Crew Members and A Bargain

Chapter Four  
  
The next morning Rachael and Emily awoke on deck at about ten o'clock. The crew had taken them back to the boat late last night and they were now preparing the ship for the day's docking. The girl's got up, went to their rooms and changed into their Siamese cat shirts and PJ pants. They then sought out Mr. Orly and inquired on the ship's condition.  
"Well, ladies," he said, "We've cleaned the all of the decks and scraped the hull, so we should be just about ready for the docking."  
"Yes, and when are we docking?" inquired Rachael.  
"Well, we'll be there in about an hour and a half, and assuming there are no other delays-" Orlando was interrupted by Rachael and Emily's vehement exclamations.  
"WHAT?! WE DON'T HAVE NEAR ENOUGH TIME TO GET READY!" And with that, they dashed off back to their cabins. Orlando shrugged and went back to coiling rope. Yes, I said coiling rope, get over it. No, really...leave it alone: it's not a big deal, lots of people coil rope all day long. Really, it's like a job. There's a support group and everything. Look, what is the big deal? Just leave it. Really, I- DO YOU WANNA ARGUE WITH GOD?.....Yeah, that's what I thought.  
Ahem, anyway, he was coiling rope and everyone else was working hard preparing the ship, to make sure it looked just absolutely squeaky clean for the docking. Within the hour, the lookout for the day, Dominic, spotted the shore. Someone knocked on the door to let the captains know that they were about ready to dock. The girlies gave a few hurried instructions, informing the crew that they should dock, and that the girlies would be out in a bit to greet Princess Arial and Prince Eric.  
So the crew sailed into the harbor. They sent Pippin ahead to inform the royal couple that they had arrived and wished to meet with them. A few minutes later, a large group of people headed towards the ship from the palace. The crew waited atop the ship, still wondering where their captains were. Ahead of the crowd they saw the Prince and Princess. Speaking of which, where are Eric's parents? I mean, you never here about the King or the Queen. Is Little Mermaid Land a principality? Hmm, a point to ponder...  
Anywho, the crew waited around anxiously waiting to meet the Royal Couple, and at the same time, nervously hoping their captains would come out to greet them first because they had no idea how to speak to royalty. (They are, after all, naught but sailors who have lived their whole lives at sea, ever since their fathers. . ., well, that's another story. . .)  
As the group came closer, the men were more and more nervous. Finally, they sent Pippin to knock on the door of the captains and try and get them to come out. (Pippin, being the smallest, was most often sent on these errands, rather like the "3 out of 4 Yayas" agree rule, which Lansama hates.)  
"Yes?" called Emily from the door.  
"My ladies, the Royal Entourage (oo, vocab word!) is almost here!" he called, "Please come out to greet them!"  
"Baby doll, we'll be there in just a moment," called Rachael, but she was distracted by Emily yelling.  
"Put away that curling iron right away!" (Emily has never quite recovered from all those horrible curling iron mishaps from her youth, and harbors an intense phobia of them.)  
"But, my ladies," called Pippin again, after the curling iron mania had subsided. "What if they arrive before you come out?"  
"It's quite simple, dear heart," called Emily, "Introduce yourselves, invite them aboard, and get them something to drink."  
"But-"  
"Please, honey, the sooner you leave us alone, the sooner we'll be out."  
(Wow, how many pet names can I put in here?)  
Pippin wisely saw the sense in this and headed back to the queue of men, and told them the captains' words. They were perturbed, but agreed, and elected Aragorn to speak for them, as he is after all, a king and therefore, motivationally speaker. If something were to happen to Aragorn before he had the chance to speak, Ian would speak, since he played Gandalf the White, and everybody loves Gandalf, right? Doncha?  
The Royal Entourage arrived, and Aragorn nervously introduced everyone, and they all bowed, with offers of their service. They were invited aboard, and then, after receiving drinks and the like, just as things were about to get awkward, the captains' door slammed open.  
"BONJOUR!" they chorused.  
Everyone gasped, so fabulous did they look. The crew, having worked all day at cleaning the ship, anchoring, and the like, were looking dirty. Excuse me, did I say dirty? I meant dirrrrrty, like Tootin' Wooten. Yummily so, but not at their cleanest and best dressed.  
In vast, vast contrast, the captains had spent all day cleaning (themselves) and readying themselves for the dock. Both were wearing silk dresses of (yep, you guessed it) green and blue, with spaghetti straps, fitted and decorated with pretty Oriental trim and the like. Their hair was wavy and down, make-up (of which they were wearing little, because they didn't need that much) flawless, and their skin was sun-kissed from all their tanning the past few days.  
. . . .OK, I know what you're thinking, but it's my fan-fic, and if I want to make myself sound fabulous, I can. So, blah. And if you start whining again, Mr. Coiling-Rope-Is-Not-A-Job-Man, I will personally wee you locked in the brig. (See, I do know something about ships!!)  
After everyone recovered, the captains started serving their guests their dinner. Having both worked at the best catering company in the world, not only was the presentation fabulous, the food was to die for! (Garlic Mashed Potatoes, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways!!!)  
After the great meal, the captains settled down to tell Eric and Arial about their proposition. They were just getting to the good part, when Sinbad interrupted.  
"My ladies, I think there's something you might want to see," he called from the port side. (Hahahaha, port means left, did you know? 'CAUSE I CERTAINLY DID!)  
The ladies excused themselves, and floated over to the rail, and took turns looking in Sinbad's glass. (You know what I'm talking about, right, those things you fold and unfold, and they see far away? Not the Turban of Surban, no. I want to call it a telescope, but I don't know if that's right . . . well, let me know. . .)  
Off in the distance, they could just see what looked like a floating funeral pyre.  
Emily and Rachael looked at each other confused, but then shrugged, and commanded, "SEND OUT THE LONGBOATS!"  
The crew, with the exception of Elijah and Dom, lowered the longboats, and rowed out towards the pyre. Meanwhile, Emily and Rachael continued explaining their plan to Arial and Eric, who where listening attentively. After the ladies had finished, the other two sat back to consider the offer. (They would, after all, have the best castle ever on the best plot, but then again, they would have to share it with Belle and her Prince Who-Has-No-Name.)  
Jus then, the crew returned. They first sent up a young boy of about seventeen.  
"Oliver Wood, from the Harry Potter Movies!" exclaimed Emily.  
Elijah looked up at the mention of the name, and seeing the young, skinny, brown-haired boy, gave a great cry of joy, and ran over to hug his long-lost Scottish brother. They had a tender reunion, while the men brought up the funeral pyre.  
Everyone stood and walked over to it. They bowed their heads respectively, seeing King Arthur (from First Knight) lying on the pyre.  
"How sad," said Rachael, thoughtfully, "I wonder how he died."  
"Oh, he's not dead," said Oliver, carelessly, "He was tired of being King, so we faked his death, and I helped him escape." He paused to consider, then said, "If would have worked so much better if they hadn't shot the flaming arrows at him."  
"Oh, however did you manage to avoid that?" gasped Emily.  
"Quite simple," said a thick, hot, Scottish man-voice.  
Everyone looked down at King Arthur, who had opened his eyes, and was making to sit up.  
"We used a Holocaust cloak," he explained.  
"Ah!" exclaimed everyone, as Arthur turned to Oliver and thanked him for his loyal service.  
"How did you get here?" Elijah asked of his brother.  
"Well, you see, I'm quite the expert snorkeler, so I swam and pushed the pyre."  
"Well, you're both certainly welcome to stay here with us," said Rachael, "You meet all the qualifications."  
"What are the qualifications?" asked Prince Eric, quite interested.  
Rach and Emmy looked back at him. They weren't really interested in him or Arial, save for the fact they wanted to uproot their castle and replace it with a different one. But as everyone seemed interested, they complied.  
"Well, first and foremost," began Rachael, "You must be hot."  
"Secondly," said Emily, "You must be a man."  
"Finally, you can't be stupid, and must be willing to fulfill your captains' every whim." finished Rach.  
"Well, can I join?" asked Eric.  
Emily and Rachael looked rather uncomfortable, and Rachie indicated that Emily should handle this, so Emily walked over, resting her hand on his shoulder, began to refuse him.  
"I'm sorry, Eric," she said carefully, not wanting to offend him, and thus cause him to refuse their offer, "but you don't meet qualifications."  
"What? But I thought-"  
"No, I'm sorry, see first of all, you're a prat, and secondly, you're married. We can't accept married men."  
"That wasn't in the qualifications!"  
"No, but it is in the Rules," amended Rachael.  
Eric seemed to think this made sense, and so, after Oliver and Arthur decided they would stay (Oliver, because of his brother, and Arthur, because he had always had a faint interest in sailing), Emmy and Rachie returned to their discussion.  
Finally, in the wee hours of the night, Arial and Eric agreed to lend their land.  
"Now, when will you be returning?" enquired Arial, who, despite being a whiny annoying you-know-what, is rather smart. "We'll need to remove our castle."  
"Yeah, um, what are we going to do with it?" asked Eric, who, despite saving the day once, is rather stupid.  
"Oh, we'll donate it to Goodwill or Salvation Army or something," shrugged Arial, while Emmy and Rachael considered.  
"Well, do we want to go by land or by sea?" asked Rach.  
"Well, one if by land, two if by sea," offered Emmy.  
"That's true, but how far away if France from Little Mermaid Land?" asked Rachael.  
Arial, who had over heard this last bit, interrupted their thinking.  
"It's got a name, you know."  
Having their thoughts interrupted, they were feeling more than a little confused, and asked, "What?"  
"It's got a name, you know, it's not just 'Little Mermaid Land,'" admonished Arial.  
"Oh, well, what is it?" asked the girls.  
Arial told them the name, but just then, a HUGE semi-truck drove by, the noise blocking out all other sound than itself. Arial, apparently thinking they somehow miraculously heard her, did not repeat herself after the truck passed.  
"Excuse me?" asked Rachael, politely, "We couldn't understand you."  
Arial spoke the name again, but this time a huge jet flew overheard, similarly blocking out all other noise. Rachael and Emily, rather embarrassed, did not ask again. (As Emily knows all to well, you can only ask someone to repeat something so many times before they get irritated and you feel stupid . . . and also deaf. As Wama would say, "Hey! My parents are deaf!!" Yes, yes, indeedy-do, they are!) Instead, they just nodded, and said, "Yeah," with a little laugh, hoping Arial hadn't said anything requiring an answer.  
Emmy and Rachael then decided to go by sea, as it would please the sailors more, and told Eric and Arial they would be back in two months. They promised they would write if there was any change. They called to their crew to get ready to sail the next morning.  
  
* * * * * 


	6. A Visit to the Gym and Really Bad Cheers

Chapter Five  
  
"Well, I was thinking," said Emily, bright and early the next morning,  
and by "early" I mean eleven-thirty. Because, well, I like sleep . . .  
doesn't everybody??  
"Always a good idea," commented Rachael. She and Emily were sitting on  
their beach chairs on the deck with Dom and Oliver, helping wind yarn so  
Emily could crochet blankets for all of the crew for Christmas. (They had  
all requested this after seeing Emily's personal blankie, the janky  
blankie.) Emily was pulling the yarn from an old afghan, passing it to  
Dom, who passed it to Oliver who passed it to Rachael, who wound it into  
balls. Have you all never been to a Yarn-Winding Party? Truly? That is  
most unfortunate. Just grab a couple of you friends, pop in a movie and  
wind away.  
. . . Anywho, they were winding yarn, sitting on the deck, while the  
other members of the crew kept a lookout.  
"Well, what I was thinking about was things we need to do," continued  
Emily.  
"Besides our current project?" inquired Rachael.  
"Yes," affirmed Emily, "Would you like to hear my list?"  
"Sure."  
Emily took her Amy Brown Faerie Journal that her sister got her for  
Christmas, and opened it up and commenced to reading in a very  
informative tone.  
"First, we need to play pinball."  
"Oh, definitely!" agreed Rachie, Oliver and Dom.  
"I thought maybe when we got to France, we could see if they sold  
pinball machines there?"  
The others affirmed that this was a wonderful plan, and Emmy  
continued.  
"We also need to do laundry."  
"I agree to that! I'm running out of bikinis and pajamas and . . . hmm  
. . . that seems to be all we wear, isn't it?" said Rachael.  
"True, but you know you should always wear clean everything."  
Rachael agreed, and said she would "do laundry" (if ya'll know what I  
mean) that afternoon.  
"Finally, we need to go to a gym."  
Rachael was nodding and agreeing, but Oliver and Dominic looked up,  
confused.  
"Why do we need to go to a gym?"  
"Oh, exercise, all that fun stuff," said Emmy, in an off-hand manner.  
"But we get enough exercise running the ship!" exclaimed Dom.  
"Or do you?" chorused Rachie and Emily, tilting their heads and making  
an inquisitive face.  
"Well, yeah, I mean for starters, we run-" began Oliver.  
"Or do you?" chorused Rachie and Emily again, tilting their heads and  
making an inquisitive face.  
"Yeah, and climbing into the-"  
"Or do you?" chorused Rachie and Emily again, tilting their heads and  
making an inquisitive face.  
"Yeah, I mean-"  
This time it was Dom who interrupted, knowing that Oliver was new and  
didn't quite understand the captains yet.  
"Just leave it, mate," he said, kindly, "You'll never win."  
"Well," said Emily, "I'd better go tell Aragorn to keep a look out for  
a gym."  
She got up, neatly folding the afghan, and Rachael rose as well, and  
they put the yarn in the bag, and left to go do their duties.  
"Should I tell her that you can't find gyms from the ship?" asked  
Oliver, quietly.  
"Nah," said Dom, "Aragorn will figure out something."  
Emily told Aragorn their plan and he agreed, and then they spent some  
quality time together, before Emily left to go clean her room. Rachael  
got all the dirrrrty clothes of the captains and the crew, and with the  
help of her charming washer-men, commenced to begin to wash the laundry.  
* * * * *  
  
A few hours later, Aragorn spotted a funny thing off the starboard bow  
(EVERYTIME! It just makes me want to DAHNCE, dahling!). He called to  
Orlando, who was nearby.  
"Er- do you see what I see?" asked Aragorn.  
"Way up in the sky, little lamb?"  
"This is no time for Christmas carols!" exclaimed Aragorn, "Tell me,  
is that a billboard over there?"  
Orly looked and sure enough, sticking out of the ocean was a  
billboard.  
"What does it say?" asked Orly.  
Aragorn took out the glass-telescope-Turban-of-Surban type thing (Come  
on, people, help me out! What is it called?) and looked at the billboard.  
"'See . . . Rock City?'" Aragorn read in disbelief.  
"Hmm." Said Orlando, "Well, that's odd."  
"Yes."  
* * * * *  
  
They would have thought nothing else of it, if several more hadn't  
appeared in the afternoon.  
"'Lookin' for a work out?'" read Elijah, "'Gym, twenty miles ahead.'"  
"Well, there's our gym," said Sinbad.  
"Pippin!" called Aragorn.  
"Yeah, yeah, I'll go tell the captains." He sighed, resigned.  
He went to tell Rachael first, because she was finishing up the  
laundry.  
"OK, thanks, sweetie," she told him, giving him extra kisses for being  
so sweet, "Tell Emma I'll be there in ein paar minuten."  
"Okies!" exclaimed Pippin, scampering off to tell Emily the news.  
Entering the captains' quarters, he saw Emily sitting in the floor,  
folding and putting up the last of the clothes. Hearing him enter, she  
turned with a smile.  
"Well, it's clean."  
"That's good."  
"Yeah, Mom will be happy."  
"We've found a gym, it's twenty miles away, and Rachael says she'll be  
here in . . . uh, 'ein paar minuten.'"  
Emily thanked him, explaining that 'ein paar minuten' meant a few  
minutes in German, and give him extra kisses for being so cute.  
Pippin skipped back to the crew, who were all jealous that he had  
gotten extra kisses.  
  
* * * * *  
  
A little bit later, Johnny came down to tell the captains they were  
almost there, hoping for extra kisses, (the crew had fought over who got  
to deliver the message this time.) He walked in to see them angrily blow-  
drying their hair.  
"IT'S SO POOFY!" they both screamed, angrily, over the roar of the  
hair-dryers.  
"Umm, my ladies?" said Johnny, tentatively.  
"WHAT?" they yelled, standing up all the way, with their hair poofed  
out as a result of the hair-dryers.  
"We're almost there."  
"Good," they said slightly pacified, "We'll be out in a moment."  
They blew him kisses and then continued with the War of the Hair-  
Dryer.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Finally, the captains exited their chambers, with non-poofy  
hair. (If you don't have curly or extremely thick hair, you have no  
idea the horrors of a hair-dryer.) They climbed into the long-boats,  
oddly out-fitted for a trip to the gym.  
The crew were all wearing T-shirts, Shorts and Tennis Shoes,  
whereas Emily was wearing a Flogging Molly T-shirt and jeans, with a  
Pointe shoe ribbon in her (not poofy) hair; and Rachael was wearing  
jeans, a cute pink shirt and a leather jacket.  
"Er-" began Arthur.  
"Don't bother," warned Oliver.  
They rowed to shore with only minor mishaps ("Grr-this wind  
blows my hair into my face and then it gets stuck in my lip-gloss!")  
and after docking, they went to check in.  
The crew decided to play basketball first, so they went down to  
the gym. The crew pleaded with Rachael or Emily to play, but instead  
they sat down on the bleachers, pulling colouring books and crayons  
out of their satchels, chatting happily.  
"No, no, you guys go ahead," said Rachael.  
"We'll watch!" said Emily, "and tell you what a good job you're  
doing!"  
Slightly mollified, the crew agreed and decided it would be  
Aragorn, Orlando, Pippin, Sinbad and Johnny versus Elijah, Ian,  
Dominic, Oliver, and Arthur. They began playing and it wasn't long  
before all the shirts came off. (If you've ever been trapped in the  
gym, waiting for the winter guard's turn for the floor, you know it  
doesn't take long.)  
After noting this key point, Emily and Rachael returned to  
talking and colouring. Occasionally one of the crew would run over and  
say something like, "Did you see me? Did you see me?" and the girls  
would pretend like the knew what he was talking about and blow kisses  
and cheer, promptly returning to their state of not-paying-attention  
when they left.  
When Pippin ran over (he had made a goal!) Emily and Rachie ran  
down to congratulate him, and as they did they noticed a great thing:  
they guys all got to slap each other on the butts during the course of  
the game. After giving Pippin congratulations kisses, they ran out  
onto the floor, smacked as many butts as they could reach, and then  
run back to their seats.  
The men looked at each other, saying "Uh.ok." and then continued  
to play.  
Emmy and Rachie's façade of paying attention was working fine  
until Rachael said something funny. After laughing maniacally, Emily  
commented that she needed to write that down. Unfortunately, she  
didn't have her Faerie journal.  
"Just write it on my face," said Rach.  
"Like a mustache!" exclaimed Emily.  
With explosive laughter, Emily wrote the joke on Rach's face,  
curving and twisting; it was quite funny, come to think of it.  
However, this did cause the crew to notice that their faithful  
captains were not paying attention.  
"HEY!" exclaimed Johnny, "You said you'd pay attention!"  
Emily looked up from Rachael's chin, where she was adding a  
matching goatee. "We are, honey."  
The crew made various sounds of disbelief, and Arthur asked, "Oh  
yeah, what's the score?"  
Emily and Rachael looked distinctly uncomfortable.  
"Er-it's, um-" thought Emily.  
"Seven to twenty-three!" exclaimed Rachael, triumphantly.  
"NO- it's nineteen to twenty-nine!" exclaimed Orlando.  
"You could at least pay attention, be cheerleaders or  
something!" said Sinbad.  
"Ooo!" they exclaimed, "FUN! We'll be right back!"  
(They never pass up an opportunity to make fun of cheerleaders.)  
"Uh-oh." said the crew, as Emily and Rachael got up and ran out,  
but they continued playing until the girls made quite a ruckus as they  
came back.  
"Eeck, mine's too small!" exclaimed Rachael.  
"Sorry, the only uniforms I have are from seventh grade stock!"  
Emily told her as she adjusted her own too-small purple and gold  
uniform.  
The men looked up to see their captains clad in uniforms from  
former cheerleading days, which were mainly purple with "FLASH" across  
the chest in "gold" (also known as mustard) which is very, very,  
ironic, if you think about it, they had pleated skirts and all that  
fun stuff.  
"Wanna see us do a cheer?" asked Rach.  
"Uh . . .ok," said the crew.  
"Just like in rehearsals," commented Emily as she and Rachael  
took their positions. They took a deep breath and began.  
"Pull down that rebound,  
"And give me a kiss!  
"Pull you pants,  
"And give me a-"  
  
They trailed off.  
"Well- hang on, we'll think of another one."  
So the men continued playing, and Emily and Rachael thought.  
"Ooo! Ooo!" the squealed and took their positions.  
  
"We've got the ball,  
"Let's go for a  
"HOO-HA!  
"We've got the ball,  
(dun-dun)  
"HOO-HA!"  
  
"We're number one!" they chorused, "Super Number One China Buffet! Hooray! Spirit Fingers! Jazz hands!"  
  
"Ah . . . that was very good," complimented the men.  
"Thanks!"  
Yet again, the men resumed play, occasionally traveling near the girls who would, like REAL cheerleaders, squeal and duck, even though the ball was like twenty feet away.  
"Ooo! Ooo!" they squealed, a few minutes later, "We thought of another one!"  
The men stopped and waited.  
  
"We've got the ball,  
"Let's go for a touchdown,  
"We've got the ball  
(dun-dun)  
"Let's touch!"  
  
"We're number one!" they chorused, "Super Number One China Buffet!  
Hooray! Spirit Fingers! Jazz hands!"  
  
"Err, that was very good," said Sir Ian, "but there aren't any touch  
downs in basketball."  
"Oh. . ." said the girls, disappointed, "Well, we'll think of  
another!"  
"No!" the men chorused quickly, before Aragorn amended,  
"Ah- we're done with basketball . . . we thought we'd check out the  
rest of the gym."  
"OH!" said the girls, "Well, let's go!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Authoress' Notes: Well, that was fun, and most of it was based on what I did last night, except we didn't actually wear the old uniforms!! Thanks  
to all who have read, and thanks to kingmaker for his nice review. His  
review does raise one question, though: What is a Mary-Sue? I've seen  
this all over the site, and I'm not sure what that is. I assume it's a  
bad-ish thing?? And please if anyone knows what the glass-telescope- Turban-of-Surban thing is, let me know, either in a review or email me at  
fanresponse_47@hotmail.com ! Thanks, love as always!  
P.S. Lan, I gave Pippin extra kisses, just like I told you I would.  
You'll have to wait until New Year's for yours!! 


	7. A Short Chapter About Personal Hygiene

Preface: I do not (unfortunately) own any of the following: Treasure  
Planet, Amy Brown or any of her art work (well, technically, I do own a journal, but you know what I mean), Garnier or any of the products, Billy  
Blanks, Tae Bo, Patricia Ribbon or her books, Herbal Essences, or Nerf Foam Bats or any additional Nerf Products. And if that gives you any clue  
what this chapter is like, you're right. (Except for Treasure Planet,  
which I just forget to mention from an earlier chapter!)  
  
Chapter Six: A Short Chapter About the Importance of Personal Hygiene  
  
As the crew and the captains were leaving the basketball court,  
Rachael and Emily seemed to be considering something. After a moment,  
they agreed, and turned the crew.  
"Listen up, bébés," called Emmy, "We're feeling rather rank after all  
that exertion, so we're going to freshen up with a shower. We'll meet you  
later."  
"OK," said Orly, "Aragorn insists we must try the Pilates class, but  
first we're going to Tae Bo."  
"We'll meet you there," said Rachael, "But right now we've got a date  
with a bottle of Garnier Fructis!"  
They rushed off to the girlies locker room (yes, that is what the sign  
says, thanks!) to have their shower. Meanwhile, the crew went over to the  
room where the Tae Bo class was held.  
For an hour, they enjoyed an intense work-out with many punches,  
kicks, and occasional visits from the Ghost of Christmas Past. (If you've  
ever read "Why Girls Are Weird" by Pamela Ribbon, you know what I'm  
talking about.) They were rather distracted by their above said intense  
work-out to bother wondering where the captains were. But as they were  
"taking a break" (by running in place), Sir Ian did begin to wonder where  
the girls were. It had been about an hour, and taking a shower doesn't  
take that long.  
Finally, with five minutes left, the girls, still clad in jeans and  
other such clothing, entered the room, with a distinct and lovely smell  
of fruit surrounding them. They whole-heartedly joined in the kick and  
punch combination.  
"All right, people," said Billy Blanks®, "that's enough for today!  
Good work!"  
The captains cheered along with everyone else. The other women in the  
class, who had been eyeing the crew of the Hot Ship quite lustily during  
the entire course of the class, rushed to them as soon as class was over.  
Rachie and Emmy were forced to take drastic measures.  
Taking up a huge foam Nerf bat each, the batted the women away,  
shouting, "MY HOT CREW! MINE! NOT YOURS! KEEP YOUR FILTHY UNWORTHY HANDS  
OFF!" while the crew made a run for the hall.  
"Phew!" exclaimed Emily, as she and Rachael finally escaped the horde  
of lusting women. (Er . . . that sounds weird, but you know what I meant,  
right?)  
"Thanks," said all the men, who were quite disheveled after that  
fierce fight.  
"Whew!" said Rach, sniffing her under arms, "I do believe I need  
another shower!"  
"I agree!" exclaimed Emily, "I worked up quite a sweat!"  
"You were barely in that class for five minutes!" exclaimed Sinbad.  
"Uh, yeah, but we worked hard, and plus we had to beat off all those  
women for you!" exclaimed Rach.  
"Ohh." the crew said, "That's right."  
"Just try not to take so long this time, ok?" asked Elijah, "Those  
creepy women staring at us all the time give me the heebie-jeebies!"  
(Yes, he can see heebie-jeebies if he wants!)  
"We'll try," said the girls doubtfully, "But the Garnier Fructis takes  
so long to rinse out."  
The men shrugged and hurried on to their Pilates class. They were very  
immersed in the stretches and weird exercises of the Pilot. (That's who  
invented Pilates, right?) Somehow, however, they couldn't fully  
concentrate, especially as all the women in this class were also leering  
lecherously at them. (If you've never done Pilates, you wouldn't know  
that it requires you to twist and bend in positions that quite clearly  
show "your stuff" as we say, to everyone who cares to look, especially if  
you're clad in spandex.)  
Just as the crew thought they were going to have to take serious  
military and nautical action, when their captains arrived.  
"Phew!" sighed the crew in relief. With just one "I-Will-Kick-Your-Ass-  
If-You-So-Much-As-Think-About-Looking-At-My-Men-That-Way-Again-Or-Even-In-  
Your-Wildest-Dreams-Try-And-Touch-Them" look, the other women were  
cowering like little puppies during a thunderstorm, (I think that is the  
most childish metaphor I have ever come up with. Apologies.) with their  
eyes curiously averted.  
The girls joined in for the last ten minutes, and afterwards, took up  
their foam Nerf bats, just as a precaution, as they left.  
"Whew, I am worn out!" cried Rachie.  
"I totally agree," said Emmy, "What do you say to a shower and we head  
back to the ship?"  
"But you were barely in there!" exclaimed Johnny, "Besides Pilates  
doesn't work up a sweat!"  
"Yes," said Emily, seriously, "but do you have any idea the effort it  
takes to conjure up a 'I-Will-Kick-Your-Ass-If-You-So-Much-As-Think-About-  
Looking-At-My-Men-That-Way-Again-Or-Even-In-Your-Wildest-Dreams-Try-And-  
Touch-Them' look on such short notice?"  
The men thought, and then allowed that they didn't, and so everyone  
ran off to their respective showers, although the captains were going to  
try and sneak into the men's locker room, and they would have made it  
too, if they weren't first frightened off by the sight of a nekked  
(naked) old fat man, and they ran away screaming to their own shower  
room.  
An hour later, the men were all showered, dressed, and waiting outside  
for the captains.  
"Where are they?" said Arthur, tapping his foot, and looking at his  
watch.  
"They'll be here," reassured Dom.  
"I know, but they're taking so long!"  
  
Just then, the ladies emerged from their locker room, looking fabulous  
and smelling great.  
"Ah-" said Rachael, with satisfaction, "Nothing like a good shower to  
sooth you after a hard day's exercise!"  
"But you didn't even do that much!" exclaimed Pippin.  
"And you took like eighteen showers!" added Aragorn.  
"Yes, but doesn't my hair smell fabulous?" said Emily, as she and Rach  
fluffed it so others could sniff. A dreamy and happy and lustful look  
came over everyone's eyes, as they breathed in the intoxicating and  
wonderful scent of Garnier Fructis.  
"Yes!" they all breathed.  
"And doesn't it make you want to ravage us like a bear? Only not so  
harmful?" asked Rach.  
"Yes!"  
"Well, then," said Emily, with a grin, "Back to the boats!"  
  
* * * * *  
Authoress' Notes: Weeeeell, that was fun. Some of you may have guessed that the theme of this was from that Herbal Essences commercial, and you  
would be correct. But it was fun, because I love Garnier Fructis, and I also think it's funny to think of some of the crew (like Sir Ian, Arthur and Pippin) in a Tae Bo or Pilates class. Also, I was just assuming that  
the old men walk around naked in the men's locker room, because I know their female equivalents certainly feel like that's their right. Anyway,  
I hope you enjoy! Love always!! 


	8. The Figgy Brigands and Pirates Attack

Disclaimer and Warning: I do not own any of the following: Kermit the Frog, Cookie Monster, Snuffleufagus (or any of the other Muppets, in case you were wondering), Dollar General, or Figgy Newtons. I do, however, own the drink "Your Pants," and "the Figgy Brigands," "the Figgy Voice," and "the Figgy King." This disclaimer is yet another warning of what kind of chapter this is going to be, so hunker down (yes, I said hunker down, get over it) with a package of Figgy Newtons and enjoy!  
  
Chapter Seven: Figgy Newtons, Dart Guns, and the First Pirate Attack  
  
Part I: The Storm and the Yayas  
  
As much fun as the Garnier Fructis induced fit of love was, it could  
only last so long. In fact, very soon, our beloved captains were going to  
face several atrocities that would take all of their nautical and  
military training to overcome. (In case you were wondering, yes, they  
were still continuing their one hour a day each of ship learning and  
sword-fighting.)  
In a brief respite from being ravaged like bears, only not so harmful,  
the two captains were resting and enjoying themselves in the best ways.  
They were occasionally joined by the crew, except for Arthur, Aragorn and  
Sinbad, who were all on duty.  
Rachael was designing a webpage, and Emily was practicing ballet en  
Pointe, and with help from Orlando and Oliver, she was now doing a lovely  
pas de deux trio thing.  
However, before anyone got too far into their activities, there was a  
cry from Sinbad in the crow's nest, where he was keeping look out.  
"My ladies!" he called, "There's a storm brewing off the port side!"  
(For some reason, maybe because there wasn't a song written about it,  
off the port bow doesn't sound as good.)  
The ladies looked up from their activities and took the glass thing  
which since no one will tell me what it's really called will henceforth  
"the Turban of Surban" and will also be transformed into a turban. What?!  
You don't want to wear the Turban of Surban?! TOO BAD!!  
Um.where was I? Oh yes.  
The girls looked up from their activities and took up the Turban of  
Surban. Emily put it on first, because she is the one invented the Turban  
of Surban.  
"Ah, that does look bad," said Emmy, handing the Turban to Rach, who  
nodded, agreeing, and then handed it to Aragorn and Orlando, who have  
some how become like the main saily people. I don't know how that  
happened.it just did.  
"Well-batten down the hatches!!" cried Emily, "Let's get ready for  
this storm!"  
. . .Sorry had to go attend to things. I'm back now. (Ah- lovely heat  
therapy patch! Don't you want to come and live with me forever?)  
The crew shouted, "Aye captains!" and ran away to start doing things  
to prepare for the storm.  
Emily and Rachie went to go prepare for the storm by first changing  
out of their dance leotards and PJs into their serviceable whatevers that  
they had bought for the sailing extravaganza.  
"Hmm, I think this is the first time we've worn these," commented  
Rachael as she tied her drawstring pants.  
"They are quite serviceable and comfortable, too," commented Emily.  
Then they rushed out to help prepare. Despite their precautions, the  
storm was still frightfully bad, raging for three days and three nights.  
(I hate it when people say that. Like it stopped conveniently after  
sunset?) Everyone spent all their time checking the sails, helping steer  
and manning the pumps to make sure they didn't take on too much water.  
When they got too exhausted, they were allowed an hour to sleep and rest.  
But as soon as their hour was up, they had to report back to the jobs  
that were waiting for them. Emily even had to brave her fear off heights  
and climb into the rigging to cut away a loose sail.  
Finally, the storm subsided. The crew, exhausted, all fell into a big  
heap in the middle of the deck and slept there, but not until after the  
captains assigned an hour's watch each.  
After everyone had slept their fill, they got up and started examining  
the S.S. Claire. Their captains had already been up for quite sometime,  
and were busy examining the damage.  
Orlando walked up to Emily, who was looking at the mast.  
"What do you think, milady?" asked Orly.  
"Well, the mast didn't break," she commented.  
"Excuse me?" Orlando was confused.  
"The mast didn't break," said Emily again, and then turning and  
realizing he was looking at her blankly still, she elaborated, "In all  
the worst storms you read about, the mast breaks. So, we're really  
lucky."  
"Er, yes," agreed Orly, still somewhat confused.  
Just then Rachael returned from below deck, where she had been  
inspecting the ship for damage.  
"I've made a list of all the things we need so we can repair the  
ship," said Rachie.  
"Excellent," said Emily, "Next port we see, we'll stop and repair."  
As the crew went about their merry ways, Emily turned to Rachael and  
said, "I think it's time we had the Yayas on for a visit."  
"Excellent idea!" agreed Rachael, "But we'd better write now, so Lan  
can come. You know how her mom is."  
"True," said Emily, and they walked off to make plans for the  
reuniting of the Yayas.  
  
* * * * *  
A few days later, they sailed in to port. Once again, Emily and  
Rachael were armed with Nerf foam bats, in case any port floozies (you  
can tell they're a floozy if you can see their knees) or any other girls  
got any ideas. The men felt better just knowing that the girls were  
prepared.  
"All right, men," said Rachael, "We've got to shop, restock, and all  
that jazz before three o'clock because that's when we're meeting Teensy  
and Necie, understand?"  
The men nodded, and Emily continued, "We're going to break up into  
teams and then meet back here at three o'clock, all right?"  
The men nodded again, and Emily read off the list of who was with  
whom. Aragorn, Ian, Pippin, Sinbad, and Johnny went with Rachael to  
restock; and Elijah, Dominic, Oliver, Arthur, and Orlando went with Emily  
to get the things to repair the ship.  
They met back at three o'clock as agreed, and there the crew met the  
rest of the Yayas. Both Tamela (Teensy) and Lan (Necie) were  
flabbergasted at the hotness of the crew. I mean, they had heard rumours,  
but who is really prepared for all that hotness in one place? No one.  
So the two came aboard with the crew and spent the evening adjusting  
to the hotness by lying on lawn chairs and drinking the Yayas favourite  
drink, "Your Pants," which came about when Rachael kept spilling her Coke  
on my pants when we were driving and eating at Sonic.  
Meanwhile, the captains and the crew made the repairs to the ship. And  
by the way, when I say the captains were repairing things what I mean is  
the captains were watching the crew do things, yelling encouragement,  
fixing the crew drinks, and crocheting. Well, Emily was crocheting;  
Rachael was holding the yarn and unraveling it when necessary.  
And thus they passed a pleasant evening, not knowing the horrors about  
to befall them.  
  
* * * * *  
Part II: The Adventures of the Yayas and the Figgy Brigands  
  
As I said before, the crew and the girls were passing a pleasant  
evening, but before too long the Yayas were all tired and insisted that,  
as much as they'd like to stay and help coil rope, they really can't,  
because...well, they weren't really sure why, but they couldn't.  
So the captains bade the crew good-night (with large, sloppy, childish  
kisses), shyly followed by Lan and Tama, who quickly kissed them on the  
cheek, before giggling and running away.  
Later on that night, Pippin, Dom, Oliver, and Orly were on duty, while  
all the other crew was asleep or making presents for the captains. (Hey,  
why not?)  
Pippin was up with Orly at the wheel and was supposedly on duty. But  
we all know that Pippin is sometimes - er - less than observant. So he  
was almost drifting off to sleep against a random barrel (perhaps placed  
there just for that reason), when he heard a bit of a scrambling noise  
towards the main mast. At first he thought he had merely imagined it, but  
then he heard it again.  
"Um, Orlando, did you hear that?" Pippin asked.  
Orlando looked up from the wheel, and asked, "Hear what?"  
  
"That noise over near the mast? There it is again!" exclaimed Pippin,  
pointing to the mast, where they saw a dark shape scrambling up the mast,  
or so it appeared.  
Orlando was instantly on full alert.  
"Pippin, go wake the rest of the crew," he commanded, and Pippin  
scampered off silently as only hobbits can do.  
Within a few minutes, the crew had all gathered around the wheel and were  
holding a whispered conference.  
"So, what's going on?" asked Johnny.  
"Pippin and I both heard something and saw something climbing up the  
mast, we think," whispered Orlando.  
"You think?" asked Aragorn.  
"It was dark, it was hard to see very well," explained Orlando, but  
suddenly there was another scramble noise and a large "bump" as something  
hit the deck.  
Everyone whirled around, looking for the source of the sound. They saw  
a bucket rolling down the deck.  
"That's it," said Sinbad, "We definitely have intruders!"  
"All right men, we've got to go into stealth mode," whispered Aragorn,  
"Someone's got to keep an eye on the mast and make sure they don't  
escape. The rest of us will arm up and then we'll take on the intruders."  
"But what about the captains?" asked Arthur, "They might be after  
them, and their friends!"  
All the crew gasped in HORROR, as realization dawned on them.  
"Of course!" whispered Ian, "They're going to kidnap the captains!"  
"Right," said Aragorn, "Sinbad and Johnny, you go and guard the  
captains' room."  
"Should we wake them up?" asked Johnny.  
"Nah, let's not worry them unless it's absolutely necessary!" said  
Aragorn, "Oliver, you guard the mast, the rest of us will get cracking!"  
The men all nodded and did some sort of "male-bonding, let's go get  
'em" type of thing, and broke off to do their respective jobs.  
Johnny and Sinbad hurried off to the captains' quarters and took out  
their swords.  
"Perhaps we should check on them?" asked Sinbad.  
"Couldn't hurt," agreed Johnny, and they quietly opened the door. When  
they looked inside, they gasped in HORROR at what they saw there.  
* * * * *  
Meanwhile, Aragorn, Arthur, Dom, and Elijah were grabbing swords and pistols for the crew; Orlando was still steering and with him were Sir Ian and Pippin, keeping an eye out for other movement.  
The group retrieving the weapons had just emerged from below deck, when Johnny came running.  
"Johnny! You're supposed to be guarding the captains' quarters!" exclaimed Dom, who saw him coming.  
"That's just it!" exclaimed Johnny, "The cretins have already struck! The captains are gone!"  
"WHAT?!" shouted everyone, then they instantly started shushing each other for being so loud.  
"Well, there's nothing to do but to do it," said Arthur, "I'll go get the others."  
Arthur went after Sir Ian, Pippin, and Orlando; while Johnny went for Sinbad. Soon they were all gathered at the base of the mast.  
"Ready, men?" asked Aragorn, rhetorically, "Remember, don't shoot unless you must, we don't want to hurt the ladies."  
Everyone nodded agreement, and then turned to Oliver for his report.  
"There seems to be at least four dark shapes up there, but I can't tell for sure in this light," he said, "and no sign of the captains either."  
The crew nodded and did another one of those "male-bonding, let's go get 'em" type of things, and then started climbing silently into the rigging, armed with a sword and pistol each.  
As they approached the crow's nest, they heard maniacal giggling.  
"Maybe you should speak to them," whispered Orlando to Sir Ian, "See if you can reason with them."  
Sir Ian nodded, and looked to see if everyone else was ready, and at their signal, he cleared his throat.  
"Uh- excuse me?" he called, mentally berating himself for not thinking of something better to say.  
"Uh- excuse me?" someone said back to him, in a voice that sounded like a cross between Cookie Monster and Kermit the Frog, and henceforth will be referred to as the "Figgy Voice."  
Sir Ian looked at the others, confused, but then continued, even more unsure of himself, "Er- we came to barter for the return of our captains?"  
"And all you can say is 'Uh- excuse me?'" enquired the Figgy Voice.  
"Yeah, well - er, who are you?" asked Sir Ian.  
"WE ARE THE FIGGY BRIGANDS!" chorused a group of Figgy Voices.  
"Well, Figgy Brigands, will you give us our captains back, please? We're very fond of them."  
"Lalalalala!" sang the first Figgy Voice, "What'll you give us?"  
"Er...umm..." all of the crew looked at each other, thinking.  
"Clearly this is never going to work," said the Figgy Voice, in disgust, "We'd better just name our ransom. Hang on a sec!"  
The crew politely waited until the Figgy Voice began speaking again.  
"We name for the ransom..." the Voice paused, and the crew held their breath, "One Snuffleufagus."  
"But- but we don't have a Snuffleufagus!" exclaimed Sir Ian, as the crew exchanged bewildered looks, "We don't even know where to find one!"  
"TOO BAD!" cackled the Figgy Brigands, before the Voice continued, "It's all right, 'cause we already threw your captains overboard!"  
"YOU LIE!" cried out a few of the crew, while the others sat in shock and horror.  
"NOPE!" chorused the Figgy Brigands again, "NOW, GET US SOME FIGGY NEWTONS!"  
Some of the crew looked like they were about to break down, and others looked furious, but none of them looked inclined to scamper down to the galley for some Figgy Newtons. Looking around and seeing that was the general consensus of the crew, Sir Ian continued angrily, "We will avenge our beloved captains!"  
"Well, all right, but I warn you, we are armed with dart guns, and if you're hit, you'll faint like a girl!" called out the Figgy Voice.  
Some of the crew blanched at this, but quickly regained their resolution after thinking about the captains mercilessly shoved overboard.  
"OPEN FIRE!" called Aragorn, and suddenly there was a fury of bullets and darts flying through the air. They fought heavily for a few moments, and a few of the crew were hit with darts, and fainted with a girly sigh, but luckily did not fall to the deck.  
"OW!" exclaimed a familiar voice, as someone shot at one of the Figgy Brigands, "Someone shot my hat!"  
Orlando, who was closest to the crow's nest hideout of the Figgy Brigands, instantly recognized the voice and the large red hat with the black veil.  
"Miss Lan?" asked Orlando, quietly.  
The member of the Figgy Brigands, realizing that she had forgotten her Figgy persona, instantly repeated herself in the correct voice, "I mean, OW! Someone shot my hat!"  
But it was too late.  
"HOLD YOUR FIRE!" shouted Orly, and the crew reluctantly obeyed.  
"Miss Lan? Miss Tamela? Captains? Is that you?" asked Orlando.  
There was a collective disappointed sigh, and they heard a lantern being lit. (It sounds different from any other thing being lighted, I promise.) The Figgy Brigands stood resigned and held up their lantern so the crew could see who it was.  
Rachael, Emily, Lan, and Tamela stood in the crow's nest.  
"My ladies!" exclaimed everyone, "We thought you were dead."  
"Nah," explained Rachael, "We were just practicing our sneaking out. We would have won too, if it weren't for Lan forgetting her Figgy voice."  
(Emily is THE Figgy Voice aka the Figgy King, all the other Figgy Brigands just has a Figgy voice.)  
The other Yayas immediately turned to Lan, and said, "Skank."  
"They shot my hat!" exclaimed Lan, apparently unashamed.  
The others rolled their eyes, as Sir Ian spoke again.  
"I'm confused," he said, "The Figgy Brigands said they threw you overboard."  
"But the Figgy Brigands aren't real," explained Tama.  
"Oh, yes, they were just here, shooting at us! You must remember them, they were the ones who threw you overboard! Or maybe you were still asleep? Anyway, the Figgy Brigands were here and we tried to rescue you, but they said they threw you overboard-" Sir Ian was rambling.  
Emily reached out from the crow's nest to touch him lightly on the arm.  
"Look, is this going to be like your 'there's no water' thing?" she asked.  
"Uh..."  
"Look, the Figgy Brigands are us; they are one of our alter-egos. We were pretending to be them so we could practice our sneaking technique." continued Emily.  
Sir Ian still looked confused, but they gave him a moment, and then they saw realization dawn over him.  
"But why did you shoot us?" he asked.  
"You shot us too," countered Emily, "and we didn't even use real bullets."  
The crew looked abashed, realizing that they had indeed been firing on their own captains. They started to apologize, but the captains cut them off.  
"It's okay," they said, "But next time, make sure you know who you're shooting at."  
They then helped get the men who had fainted (Elijah, Oliver and Dominic) back down to the deck, explaining that the stuff they used in the darts didn't last long, and that they should wake up soon.  
"You said that the Figgy Brigands were one of your alter egos," commented Orlando to Emily later, "Do you have more?"  
"Oh yes," said Emily, nonchalantly, "We've got hundreds combined."  
"Should we be worried about this?" he asked.  
"Oh no, none of them are really dangerous," commented Emily, but before she could make further comment, Elijah, Oliver and Dom woke up and were so upset about the captains' apparent death that it took awhile to calm them down enough to actually explain what had happened, and even after they had to spend the night with the captains (and the Yayas, I guess), to reassure them.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Part III: The Alter Ego Pirates  
  
Everyone felt rather inclined to sit around and be lazy the next day, after the late night they'd had before. So everyone was lazing around on deck, waiting for something exciting to happen.  
Now, as the case would have it, you never have to make something exciting happen with our beloved captains and the other Yayas, and seldom have to wait too long for something of the exciting nature to occur, and this case was no different.  
They had been lazing about the deck for about an hour before Pippin spotted the other ships' sails. He had been sitting in the rigging and soon saw billowing sails on the horizon. He quickly scampered down to inform the captains.  
"Miladies," he said, "I hate to bother you but there are ships spotted on the western horizon."  
"Thank you, baby," said Rachael, while Lanny leered lecherously at the man-hobbit who was just her size.  
Sadly, Emily and Rachael could not protect him, because they had just gone to don the Turban of Surban, and were looking at the ships.  
"There appear to be three ships," said Emily, and before any of the crew could prevent it, she and Rachael began doing Jeannie and Alison's "I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In" dance while singing the above named song.  
When they had recovered from their bout of Christmas singing, Emily handed the Turban of Surban to Rach.  
"Well, they don't appear to be unfriendly," said Rachael, looking at their flags, but suddenly she jumped up and began racing for the mast, and climbed, followed by Tamela and Lan. (Emily stayed behind because she is afraid of heights and she'd had far too many trips into the rigging in the past couple of days.)  
Once in the crow's nest, Rachael and the other Yayas apparently spotted something of interest by the way they were waving the arms and trying to shout something. Emily and the crew on the deck, however, could not understand anything they were saying.  
"I can't understand you!" yelled Emily up to the crow's nest.  
Rach, Tama, and Lansama clearly saw that Emily was yelling something (they saw her mouth move), but couldn't hear her.  
"We can't hear you!" yelled Rachael, back to Emily.  
Emily saw her yell, but the wind swept away her words.  
"I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!" she yelled back, "TALK LOUDER!"  
Rachael could actually hear Emily this time, but couldn't actually discern what she was saying.  
"WHAT?" yelled Rachael, "SPEAK LOUDER!"  
Emily couldn't hear her, and was about to yell again when Rachael made a "hang on one second" look, and Emily waited.  
Within a moment, she heard a beeping noise come from somewhere around her waist. It took a moment to realize her $5 Dollar General walkie-talkie was being paged.  
"Hallo," she said into the mouth piece.  
"Hiyas!" she heard Rachael's voice say.  
"HIYAS!" shouted Emily, who was, according to the crew, far too excited about talking to Rachael, whom she had just spoken to a moment ago. "I thought these only had a five-foot range?" continued Emily.  
"Yeah, but...um, they don't anymore," said Rachael, somewhat confused, before continuing, "Anyway, how are you doing?"  
"Well, I'm just fine, I was thinking about making some pancakes, how would you like that?"  
"Well, that sounds great!" exclaimed Rachael, "But let me ask the others."  
"Okies!"  
Emily sat waiting patiently, until Rachael came back on, saying "They said they love that!"  
Emily looked up to see Tama and Lan waving excitedly.  
"Well, I'll just go get started," said Emily, starting to go, before Arthur stopped her.  
"Aren't you going to find out what she saw of those ships?" he asked.  
Emily thought, trying to remember what he was talking about, then suddenly she remembered the other ships.  
  
"OH YEAH!" she exclaimed, and she turned the walkie-talkie back on, "Hey Rach, what about those ships?"  
She looked up, and the gathered crew could tell Rachael was taking a moment to think about what Emily had said, and she even consulted Tama and Lanny.  
"OH!" they heard her exclaim, "THOSE SHIPS!"  
"Yeah," Emily said, "So what about them?"  
"Oh, they're pirate ships, and they're sailing this way."  
"Oh, OK."  
It took exactly 2.3 seconds for this news to sink in to both captains, before they started screaming; Rachael in random craziness, and Emily was yelling at her and the Yayas to get down.  
Finally, Rachael regained her senses with a little help from Lan, ("That SKANK smacked me!") and they scrambled down the rigging onto the deck.  
"What do we do?" Emily asked Rachael, when she got down.  
"HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?" yelled Rachael, frantically. Lan smacked her again, and Rachael turned to smack her again, but Tamela intervened by walloping Lan over the head with a pillow, and henceforth breaking out a Tama-Lanny fight, and getting them out of everyone's hair.  
"I repeat, how the heck am I supposed to know what to do?" said Rachie, a bit calmer, "You're the one who reads all the books, and knows the difference between 'tactics' and 'strategy!'"  
"True," thought Emily, considering, "All right, I'll take charge."  
She turned to the crew, and began yelling, "ROLL OUT THE GUNS, YOU MEN!" The group rushed off to do her bidding, "GET OUT THE WEAPONS! ARM EVERYONE!"  
She went up to Orlando who was the only one left, "Remind me to get a quartermaster later." He nodded, before she continued, "Right, well, we're going to go dress accordingly, you keep an eye on everything, and you're in charge until we get back."  
Orlando nodded, and ran off to help Pippin move one of the huge guns. The Yayas ran off to their cabins to get dressed.  
Orlando didn't notice their return right away, because he was occupied with loading the guns and keeping an eye on the approaching pirates. However, it didn't take long to notice the men's distraction. Wheeling around, he glanced back. Seeing the Yayas' attire, he sighed, and yelled, "BACK TO WORK, MEN!" As the men returned to their job, he walked over to the girls.  
They were all wearing prom dresses of identical style, in their individual colours. (Rach and Emmy, of course, were wearing blue and green, respectively. Lan had purple and Tama had...well, yellow is her original colour...but she somehow chose pink instead, so I guess just this once she can wear pink.) All had thin spaghetti straps, very - no - extremely heavily beaded bodices, and hugely poufy skirts.  
"Er-my ladies?" started Orly, awkwardly, "You know that normally you indulge in your crazy whims and I make no comment?"  
The ladies nodded, unabashed.  
"Well, this time, I may have to," he said, cringing, but at their nod, he continued, "As beautiful as you look - and really, you look fabulous- ...this is really no time to be wearing prom dresses."  
To his amazement, they merely started laughing.  
"Oh, Orly," laughed Emily, "You're so silly! These aren't just any prom dresses! These are armoured prom dresses! They're protection!"  
Orly looked confused, but Tama explained further, "They're beaded so heavily that nothing can pass through them!"  
Orly eyed the beads, but the pirates were approaching fast, so he made no further comment and followed Emily's directions.  
Each of the guns were manned, and the pirates had sailed up until they were lined up with the S.S. Claire, but a good ways off.  
"Ready, men?" Emily called.  
"Aye-aye, ma'am!" yelled the crew.  
Emily was about to yell the order to fire, when suddenly with a load blast, one of the pirate ships fired at them.  
"Watch out, men!" yelled Rachael, preparing to duck.  
But flying through the air was not a cannonball, but something brightly coloured...?  
SPLAT.  
Everything and everyone was covered in sea foam green paint.  
"What?" everyone exclaimed, but they were cut off as another shot from a different ship brought a rain of...blood? No, it was just red paint.  
Finally, Emily regained her composure, and yelled, "FIRE ONE!" With that, the crew at the first gun (Orly, Aragorn, Elijah) fired a cannon at the opposing ships.  
Just after they shot, a large amount of azure blue paint flung itself at the S.S. Claire, so they couldn't tell if they had hit anything or not. After everyone wiped the paint from their eyes, they saw smoke rising from the second ship, so they assumed they had hit it.  
"FIRE TWO AND THREE!" yelled Emily, as Lan and Rach got out a roll of paper towels and started dabbing paint off of all the Yayas.  
Another hit before another rain of sea foam hit them. Emily followed that with shots from Four and One, (There are four guns per side.) which was followed by a rain of both red and blue, so now everyone was an interesting shade of purple, with sea foam highlights.  
Another shot from Two and Three, and a return fire of sea foam, red and azure. After that, the pirate guns were still.  
Emily hopped up onto a barrel and peered out. The second pirate ship was damaged rather badly, and the third had at least one hole in the sides. The main ship, however, seemed relatively unharmed, but there seemed to be a scurrying of action on the deck.  
The crew of S.S. Claire waited apprehensively, but looked relieved as the main ship ran up a white flag.  
"Phew," sighed Emily, relieved that she had won her first battle.  
"Uh, milady, I wouldn't be so relieved yet," said Sinbad, pointing at the longboat that was rowing their way.  
"But they ran up a white flag!" exclaimed Sir Ian, "They can't attack!"  
"Uh, they're pirates," said Johnny, "They can do whatever they want."  
"True," said everyone.  
They waited until the long boat was right near the S.S. Claire, and they heard a call.  
"Request permission to board, captain!" came the call.  
Emily signaled to Pippin, who ran to the deck, and cautiously peered over.  
"There's only seven people in there," he said, doubtfully.  
"And they won't all come aboard," added the voice from the long boat.  
"You never let us go anywhere!" called a melancholy voice.  
"Shut up," said the first voice.  
Emily shrugged, and called out, "Yeah, sure."  
Within a few moments, there were four women aboard. The crew was making interesting faces, as they looked very familiar, but they were slightly distracted as the smallest of them, a Vietnamese girl of small stature, started running towards the Yayas.  
The crew of the S.S. Claire jumped in front the Yayas, swords drawn, and the other three pirate women shoved the little pirate girl down.  
"Lyra, you skank!" exclaimed the other three. "They blew holes in my ship!" she said by way of explanation. Then one of the three stepped forward, as the others held onto the short girl.  
"Hey! You stole my outfit!" exclaimed Johnny. (And he meant that figuratively, not literally, as nice as that would be.)  
The woman shrugged, saying, "You have good taste." Then she turned to the captains of the hot ship.  
"We come to barter with you," said the girl, at whom the crew had resumed staring, because she did look so very familiar.  
"Barter for what?" asked Emily, confused.  
"For some of your hot men," said the woman.  
Emily scoffed, making the slightly panicked crew feel better, as she said, "In exchange for what?"  
"In exchange for the cessation of hostilities and damage to your ship."  
All the crew took a break from staring at the pirates to burst out laughing.  
"What?" exclaimed the leader, "What are you laughing at?"  
"I'm sorry," said Rachael, who was trying not to laugh, "but yall used paint."  
"So?" asked the girl.  
"Well, I mean, it's paint," continued Rach.  
"Yeah, well, doesn't everybody use paint?" asked the leader.  
"Er- no, most people use cannonballs and the like," said Rachael.  
"I wondered why you were using those!" the girl exclaimed, "Lots of nasty holes in my ships!"  
She turned and glared at another girl in a peasant's dress, who was a light brunette with purple eyes, and quite busty.  
"I told you we should have done more research!" exclaimed the leader.  
The other girl shrugged, and said, "How was I supposed to know? I'm a skank!"  
"THAT'S IT!" exclaimed Elijah, scaring everyone.  
"What?" asked everyone.  
"I knew I recognized you!" he said to the pirates. The rest of the crew clamored for him to tell them who it was, because they couldn't figure it out.  
"You look like them!" he exclaimed, pointing to the Yayas, who hadn't been paying attention, and instead were wiping paint off of each other. They looked up startled as the attention focused on them.  
All the crew started chorusing things like, "That's it!" and "I knew they looked like someone!"  
"Oh! I recognize yall now," said Emily, "You're our alter ego pirates!"  
"Oh, yeah, we are," said the leader, "Allow us to introduce ourselves."  
"This is Captain Olivia Newton John," she said pointing to the red- headed girl who looked like Rachie, "of The Adjective Noun."  
"Captain Lyra Crackwhore," she continued, cracking up at the word 'crackwhore,' and pointing to the Vietnamese girl, "of The Bloody Lily."  
"Olivia's first mate, Trish 'Anti'Slut," she said pointing to the busty brunette, who looked like Tama, only skankier.  
"And the only first mate allowed to come aboard," said a sulky voice from the long boat.  
The leader sighed. "In the boat we have my first mate, Melancholy Pingdy-Pong, Lyra's first mate One-Eyed-Left-Foot-Willie, and her second mate, Ped O. Phile." She then lowered her voice as she added, "If you have any children aboard, I'd keep them hidden until we leave."  
"OH! And I'm Captain Miranda Silver," she continued, "of The Surly Mermaid, and captain of the fleet."  
"Then shouldn't we call you 'Commodore?'" asked Emily.  
"Yeah, technically," said Cpt. Miranda, "but 'Commodore' makes me think of a big, ugly bird."  
Before the others could comment, she continued, "Anyway, how about that battering?"  
"Yeah, well you didn't exactly 'damage' our ship," said Rachael, "I mean, you did just use paint."  
"Yeah, but now your deck is covered in paint, and it's not even all the same colour," said Cpt. Silver.  
Everyone looked around and sure enough the deck was covered with sea foam, azure, and red paint, which was quickly drying in the sunlight.  
"She's got a point," said Emily, "I mean, look at the sails!"  
(Insert mental image of deep green and blue sails hideously splattered in sea foam, azure, and red paint.)  
"But Emmy," Rachael started to say, "I mean, it's nothing we can't fix-"  
Emily quickly shushed her, and took out her walkie-talkie to tell her, "I've got a plan, and it's a good one."  
She then turned back to the Captain. "All right, I see your point, we'll give you a hot guy in exchange for the cessation of hostilities and damage to our ship. Here are my terms: once we give you the hot guy, you must never attack us again, you nor any others of your fleet. And I get to choose the hot guy."  
The crew was hissing at Emily, "What are you thinking?" and desperately hoping that they personally hadn't said anything to offend her lately.  
Captain Miranda Silver seemed to be considering. She glanced back at her crew, and they nodded.  
"All right, we accept."  
The crew groaned, but Emily silenced them with a glare.  
"All right, I'll just go get your ga- I mean hot guy." Emily walked, surprisingly, away from the hot crew, and towards the rail.  
"OH WALLIGATOR!" she called.  
The Yayas instantly discerned the brilliantness of Emily's plan. Everyone else just looked confused. Soon they heard a splashing off the port side.  
"There's a good Walligator, now come aboard," called Emmy.  
Pretty soon a tall, hot guy with brownish-blonde hair crawled over the side, clutching a huge alligator floaty toy. The Yayas ran over to try and squeeze his skin flap, but he fended them off with blows to the nanas, and they backed off whimpering.  
"Here's your hot guy," said Emily cheerfully, but noting with alarm that Sir Ian was inching near to the Walligator.  
"Him?" called Sir Ian, "but he's g-"  
"Good-lookin' - I know!" exclaimed Emily quickly, then glaring at Sir Ian, while hissing, "Would you shut up? And remember you're converted!"  
Captain Miranda Silver, Captain Olivia Newton John, Captain Lyra Crackwhore, and First Mate Trisha "Anti"Slut walked over to observe the Walligator. Apparently satisfied with his hotness, Cpt. Miranda looked back at Emily, and nodded.  
"He'll do," she said, "Nice doing business with you!"  
She, the other captains/ first mate, and the Walligator walked back over and got into their long boat and rowed away.  
"Emmy, you're a genius!" exclaimed Lan.  
"I know," said Emmy, modestly.  
"But I don't get it," said Oliver.  
"That was the only way I could get rid of them and keep all of you. Besides, we'll be miles away by the time they figure out he's gay," explained Emily, with an evil grin.  
At this, everyone exclaimed joyously and crowded around Emily to celebrate. (Although Sir Ian was looking a little done that he didn't even get to officially meet the Walligator.) They then started getting the ship back in order, and getting rid of that wretched paint.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Authoress' Notes: Well, at the expense of my "good looks" and well-being, I  
have finally got this chapter up. (*looks at self in mirror, and sighs, resigned*) I'm sorry it took me so long to write this, but as you can see it is quite a whopper of a chapter so hopefully it is worth it. Also you  
should feel grateful because I decided to cut out a part and put it in later, when the Hot Ship is closer to France. You're welcome, everybody! Anyway, I love yall, and please keep reviewing and writing! (If you review, I'll give you a present in the next chapter!...What? I am definitely NOT bribing you, so SHUT UP!...Did I mention I love you? 'Cause I do!) Anyway,  
hope you enjoy! Love as always! 


	9. The Attack of the Clones

Just a Reminder: Here's a little quiz for ya'! Who owns all of the  
characters who make up the Hot Ship's crew (and the various Muppets and  
faerie journals mentioned)? Me My Pet Dog, Samuel (whom I lobe) My best friend Rachael (whom I likewise lobe) Not Me  
As all you smart cookies know, the correct answer is D. I own only the  
most crazy and stupid characters in this story, and the above named characters (and the new ones added in this chapter) are only hanging out  
'cause they love me!  
So on to the story.  
  
Chapter Eight: The Attack of the Clones  
  
It was a long, arduous time of it, trying to remove all the paint. All of the crew and all of the Yayas worked long and hard removing the paint, trying soap, water, cleaner, disinfectant and everything else they could think of, with only minor results.  
Finally, they made Sir Ian dress up as Gandalf the White and use his magic to figure out how to clean the paint off the boat. The resulting product was several cans of "AntiPaint."  
"Good work, Gandalf," said Emily, surveying the cans of AntiPaint.  
"Can I go change now?" complained Sir Ian in the guise (*vocab word*) of Gandalf the White, "It's so hot in these robes!"  
"Sure, hon," said Rachael, absentmindedly, helping Emily read the directions on the back of the AntiPaint cans.  
"All right, everyone, go change into your oldest clothes, and report back. We're gonna wash this deck one last time!"  
The crew cheered as they ran off. Washing the deck once is once thing, but five times in the past day? Not as fun. They were glad this would be the final time.  
Meanwhile, the captains were debating on whether to send the prom dresses out to the cleaners, or to wash them with the AntiPaint.  
"Let's try the AntiPaint first," decided Rachael, "and if that doesn't work, we'll send them out to the cleaners."  
With that, they went to change into their serviceable whatevers. You see, everyone changed into their old clothes because they didn't want to risk getting any AntiPaint on them and thus removing any unnatural colour. (That is how the AntiPaint works.)  
Then the crew spent a fun-filled afternoon washing the deck with the AntiPaint. For some random reason (most likely for the joy of the captains), the AntiPaint foamed up into large bubbles with made endless amounts of glee and bubble flinging for the afternoon. Finally they finished the entire deck, and it was back to its normal colour, and looking extraordinarily clean.  
Rachael went off to wash the paint-splattered sails and the prom dresses in the remaining AntiPaint, with the help of Tama and Lan, while Emily and the crew hung new sails.  
It wasn't until after they had finished their jobs, and they had changed back into their normal clothing (serviceable whatever for the crew, and bikinis, flip-flops, large hats and sunglasses for the captains and the Yayas) that they noticed the small sailboat heading in their direction.  
"Oh no, not again!" exclaimed Emily, "We only just cleaned the deck!"  
She and Rachael took off their large hats and sunglasses and walked over to the starboard side to peer at the boat approaching from the east.  
"Someone bring me the Turban of Surban," ordered Emily. A few minutes later, Oliver approached with the Turban of Surban on a large pillow. The captains gave him looks of thanks, and then Rach put on the Turban.  
"Well, they don't look unfriendly," she said, "What a minute, is that who I think it is?"  
Emily took the Turban from her, and donned it. A minutes later, she spoke incredulous, "I think it is..."  
Everyone saw the white flag waving from the boat, and Emily shrugged, saying, "Well, let's just wait to see what happens, shall we?"  
So the crew waited until the boat was right up near the S.S. Claire. A voice spoke, saying, "Request permission to come aboard, captains!"  
Emily and Rachael exchanged looks. Clearly, these people knew this ship had two captains, which was not exactly common knowledge.  
"Permission granted," they shouted, finally.(After they counted to 3, though, because they had to make sure they shouted it together.  
Then Johnny and Arthur let down a rope ladder. A few minutes later, men began climbing up to board the ship. To everyone's shock, it was indeed who Emily and Rachael thought it was.  
For some weird reason, Èomer, Haldir, Legolas, Wesley (from the Princess Bride), and Frank Hopkins (from Hidalgo) were standing on the deck of the (appropriately nick-named) Hot Ship.  
After Emily recovered from the initial shock, she opened her mouth to speak.  
"Hang on a sec," said Èomer, holding up a hand, "There's one more coming. Why he couldn't come the normal way, I don't know," He added exasperated.  
The other new hot men nodded their heads, agreeing. Just then a grappling hook flung itself over the side, hooked onto the rail. They heard sounds as if a man were trying to climb up the sides of the ship.  
"Here he comes," sighed Èomer. A man climbed over the rail, and stood up, revealing himself to be wearing scuba-diving gear.  
"All right, we can begin now," said Èomer, "I'm Èomer, and my friends and I have come to join your hot crew, if that's all right."  
Emily and Rachael (as well as the Yayas and Sir Ian) eyed the crew hungrily.  
"Of course it's all right," said Rachael, quickly.  
"Well, let me introduce everyone," said Èomer, "This dolt over here is-"  
The man interrupted, taking off his scuba diving hood, revealing brown hair and brown eyes. He walked over to the captains, saying in a low, sultry whisper, "Bond-James Bond," which sent thrills up their spines.  
Èomer rolled his eyes, and continued, "As I said earlier, I am Èomer, to my left here is Haldir," (the Elf gave a regal bow) "and Wesley," (he too bowed) "Frank Hopkins," (a salute and a tip of his cowboy hat) "and finally, Leg-"  
Emily and Rachael rushed over, clapping their hands to his mouth, stopping him from saying Legolas' name.  
"Shhh," cautioned Rachael, "If you speak his name, every fan girl within a hundred miles will be here and once they discovered we've got the majority of the hot guys in the world- we'll never be free!"  
Legolas blanched and Èomer nodded, "I understand. But what are we going to do? We can't just call him...'him' all the time!"  
"True," agreed Emily, "Well, for now take him to our rooms and dress him up like a girl. That ought to confuse any fan girls that show up long enough for us to figure something out."  
Lan hurried forward, eager to take on the job, but was stopped as Rachael hit her over the head with a sausage, and Emily commented, "No, not you, Lan, we'd never see him again. Tama, you go, and someone else go with her to make sure she doesn't get any ideas."  
"You know," said Orlando (and I hope you've figured out by now that by "Orlando" I mean "Orlando Bloom playing Will Turner." Just making sure.) "He looks a lot like me."  
"Yeah," said Aragorn, thoughtfully, walking over to Frank Tompkins, "And you look a lot like me."  
"Funny you should mention that, Aragorn," said Arthur, taking a closer look at James Bond, "Because he looks exactly like me!"  
James, clearly thinking Arthur was another rival spy, immediately took his grappling hook, swung it up and over the mast, grabbed Emily (who was squealing the whole time, but not totally out of horror), and, after swinging her over his shoulder, proceeded to climb up to his "Love Nest" (known to the normal folk as 'the Crow's Nest') and neither he nor Emily were seen for the rest of the evening.  
Rachael, meanwhile, greeted the rest of the new crew, and turned her thoughts to helping Legolas, who had just returned from the captains' rooms, looking slightly disconcerted in his green prom dress, although his hair was lovely and curled.  
"Well done, Tams," said Rachael, surveying Tamela's work, "I think even Emily would have been hard pressed to curl his hair better."  
Tamela shrugged, as if to say, "I did my best."  
Rachael appeared to be thinking about what to do for Legolas' plight, because as nice as he looked like that, he was indubitably more hot dressed as his normal elf-self. (Which, of course, was the problem in the first place.) Finally, she thought of something.  
"Sir Ian-" she called, but before she could go on, he knew what she was going to say.  
"I know, I know," he said exasperated, "I'll go dress up as Gandalf the White."  
A few minutes later, he returned as Gandalf, and tried to come up with something to subdue Legolas' hotness enough to keep lusting fan-girls away. At last, he came up with a charm-like thing that would reduce his hot- radar enough that no fan girls would seek him out.  
"Of course, if they happen to just come across him," explained Gandalf the White/Sir Ian, "I can't promise anything, but it should be good enough for when we're just out sailing."  
"Jolly good," said Rachael, "Good work, Sir Ian!"  
And with that, she walked off with him to give him a well-deserved thank you, for not only the charm, but also for the AntiPaint, and for all around smart- and cuteness.  
About that time, Emily returned from her "spy escapades," in the crow's nest (which was henceforth called the "Crow's Love Nest") and as James Bond appeared to be busy, (he ran off to spy on stuff, and other bothersome activities) she took the new members of the crew under her wing, to "show them around the ship" and other things of such nature.  
And Tama and Lan amused themselves with the remaining Hot Guys, and thus ends the Attack of the Clones.  
  
* * * * *  
AN: "The Attack of the Clones" is property of George Lucas. 


	10. The Snails Attack and Why Heaven is a He...

Just a Reminder: The only things I own in this story are among the following: the characters Emily, Rachael, Lan, and Tamela (but the only I actually person of those I own is myself); the Figgy Brigands, their leader the Figgy King, the drink "Your Pants" (no, I still haven't figured out what it actually is), the good ship the S.S. Claire, and AntiPaint. Everyone else belongs to themselves or to their respective authors, movies, etc. Thanks!  
  
Chapter Nine: The Attack of the Snails and Why Heaven is A Heat Therapy  
Patch  
  
A few days later, Tamela and Lan decided that, as much as they loved (and I mean really loved) the hot ship, they had to go home. (Or maybe the captains decided that for them?) So, they bade a tearful goodbye...oh yeah, and they said good-bye to the captains too, and were dropped off at port.  
For the next week or so, the crew sailed happily. Èomer, Haldir, Legolas, Wesley, Frank and James settled in happily, and the crew was happy to have more hands because it meant more time off, and the captains were always happy to have more hot men, so on the whole everyone was happy.  
However, one day, the captains did not get up on time. Now, normally, they didn't awake until after eleven at the earliest, but this day it was after two-thirty, and none of the crew had seen neither sight nor sound of them, and they were starting to get worried.  
As the cloak approached three o'clock, Aragorn made a very important decision.  
"Pippin," he called the hobbit over to him, "I want you to go check on the captains. Just make sure they're OK, and ask if they want anything, all right?"  
Pippin agreed, hoping it would result in extra kisses for him again, which was always appreciated. He scampered down to the captains' quarters and knocked on their door. He heard a murmured reply, which he took to mean enter. So he did.  
Upon reflecting later, he really wished he hadn't.  
He entered the room, which was completely pitch black and noiseless. Shutting the door behind him, his eyes adjusted until he could just make out two dark shapes curled in the bed.  
"Um, my ladies?" he ventured, cautiously, "I came to check on you, the whole crew is worried about you."  
At this, he thought he heard the forms in the bed stir, and certainly he heard them moaning and crying as if in pain.  
"Er- my ladies, are you all right?" he asked, getting nervous now.  
There was another few moments of silence before Pippin heard Rachael speak in a Gollum voice.  
"Why doessss it cry, Emeágol?" inquired the voice. (Shut up, you try and come up with a Smeágol-based nickname for the name "Emily" on such short notice.)  
"It'sss that time again, preciousss, and cruel snailssss hurts ussss," replied Smeágol-Emily.  
"I told you they wasss tricksy, I told you they'd come again..." said Gollum-Rachael.  
Pippin was now thoroughly confused.  
"Sssso much pain, and all becausssse we're on our..." whispered the two voices, trailing off.  
"What? What are you on?" enquired Pippin.  
Again, upon receiving his answer, he wished he hadn't.  
Smeágol-Emily and Gollum-Rachael sat up in bed, turning on their respective lights. Their faces held a HORROR as Pippin had never seen the likes of before. And all because they were in their...  
"OUR PERIODS!" yelled the captains, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
When Pippin exited the captains quarters a few moments later, he was exceptionally pale. All the crew hurried forward to hear the news.  
"What, what is it Pippin?" asked Sir Ian, kindly, trying to calm the hobbit.  
Pippin shook his head, trying to clear his head of the HORROR of it all.  
"Come on, Pip," coaxed Dom, "You can tell us."  
Again, Pippin shook his head, clearly terrorized.  
No matter of coaxing or pleading would make Pippin reveal the horrors within the Captains' Quarters. Finally, Aragorn took the matter into his own hands.  
"That's it, I'm going in."  
"Aragorn, be careful," cautioned Legolas.  
"I will," he said firmly, "If I don't return, Orlando and Èomer are in charge."  
With that, he walked briskly into the captains' quarters, leaving the frightened crew behind him. While they waited, Elijah got Pippin a cool drink and a cold washcloth for his head, but, as only Pippin knew what lay inside the chamber, only he could understand the terror of Aragorn.  
When Aragorn returned, he too was blanched paler than any had ever seen him. He was visibly shaking, and it took him a moment to recover.  
"What is it?" cried the crew, rushing forward, in fear not only of Aragorn, but also of the HORROR having befallen their beloved captains.  
Aragorn took a deep, shaky breathe, before continuing, slowly, "Gentlemen, we have a Code Red." (AHAHA- THE IRONY!)  
The men all gasped, now truly understanding the HORROR of the situation.  
"Right, well you all know your jobs," Aragorn continued, "Let's get to it men, we've got quite a lot of preparation ahead of us."  
  
* * * * *  
A few hours later, Aragorn surveyed the deck with pride. Everything was set up appropriately for a Code Red. First of all, there was a huge, comfortable, couch in the middle of the deck, across from which was a huge screen TV. Someone had figured out how to program it to where it only showed "A Baby Story" "A Wedding Story" "The Sound of Music" (there's something very soothing about Julie Andrews), and sappy love movies like "The Wedding Planner."  
Pippin, Dominic and Sir Ian had been busy all afternoon in the kitchen, cooking large and vast amounts of chocolate, and also comfort food like barbeque, mashed potatoes, you get the picture. But mostly they made chocolate: brownies (Jeannie-style), fudge, caramels, you name it-they made it.  
Aragorn had commissioned James Bond and Èomer to go to the nearest port to buy packages upon packages of the softest tissues and many, many boxes of Midol. They had just returned and the whole crew was finishing stowing them below.  
"All right, good work, men!" called Aragorn, "Now all we have to do is sit and wait."  
Wait they did and it was only an hour before the captains emerged. The girls were wearing their respective pirate shirts and pajama bottoms with big slippers. Each was accompanied by their respective bedtime animal, Sleepy Bear for Rachael and Samuel the Dog for Emily.  
They wandered over to the huge couch, as if they expected it to be there. The crew waited apprehensively. Pippin, working up his courage, quietly took a tray of chocolate over to the couch and laid it on the arm. Orlando took up the remote control and quietly turned on the TV to the opening strains of the Sound of Music. The girls relaxed considerably and began eating chocolate.  
The men felt quite relieved and quietly went around their duties, occasionally checking in on the captains. Pippin and Sir Ian kept the tray of chocolate refilled and all passed quietly until the sun began to go down.  
Wesley and Frank began wheeling out a cart of food to be served to the captains. Aragorn and Elijah helped served. Soon, the captains spoke for the first time that day.  
"Thank you, baby," said Emily, taking a tray of mashed potatoes and the good rolls from Elijah.  
Elijah just bowed his head.  
"This food looks fantastic," commented Rachael, taking the tray of shrimp and BBQ ribs from Aragorn, "Who made all this?"  
Sir Ian, Dominic, and Pippin stepped forth, looking proud.  
"You?" said the captains, faintly, "You made all this..." they looked at each other, "For us?"  
The three nodded again, but were quite aghast at the captains' reaction. They instantly burst into tears.  
"I can't believe you worked so hard, just for us!" sobbed Emily.  
"The food is so good!" agreed Rachael, crying heavily.  
Sir Ian, Pippin and Dominic looked quite startled and as if they had done something wrong, but Aragorn raised a hand to stop them from freaking out.  
Instead, he took two boxes of tissues and handed them to the girls, who sobbingly thanked him. They then insisted on kissing each and every member of the crew, thanking them and bawling the whole time.  
Matters didn't improve much. Aragorn had explained to everyone that the girls just had crazy hormone fluctuations right then, and that they would be ok soon, but no one, even Aragorn, was prepared for how much crying occurred.  
The girls sobbed all the way through their dinner and through the end of "The Sound of Music." As the men cleared their plates, and provided them with more chocolate, the girls seemed to calm down. They had curled back up on the huge couch and were waiting for the next thing to come on.  
Fifteen minutes later, the men were back out, providing tissues again.  
"It's so beautiful!" exclaimed Emily through her tears.  
"Such a touching story!" sobbed Rachael.  
That's right, kids, "A Wedding Story" was on, and the girls were touched at the beauty, the love story, and they really, really wanted to get married-right away.  
Johnny and Arthur groaned as Haldir read out loud to them from "That Time of the Month" TV Guide: "A Wedding Story" was on two more times, at which point it was followed by three episodes of "A Baby Story."  
It wasn't until late that night, after those shows had stopped and "The Princess Diaries" *staring Julie Andrews* came on, that the girls calmed down enough to stop crying. They lolled around in bed, moaning, eating chocolate and watching the movie. Eventually, they fell asleep.  
The men sighed with relief, and began preparing for the next day. They knew-or thought they knew- that things couldn't get any worse.  
. . . (*say it with me, now*)  
They were sooooooooo wrong.  
The girls awoke at about ten-thirty that morning, moaning and crying with pain. Oliver made the mistake of asking them how they felt.  
"Do you ever have the feeling where you'd like to RIP OUT YOUR UTERUS WITH YOUR BARE HANDS?" they yelled.  
"Er...no," he replied, timidly.  
"WELL THAT'S HOW WE FEEL!"  
The men supplied them with endless amount of Midol, and kept their chocolate intake levels very high. It was to no avail.  
It seemed to be about one o'clock when their cramps(and henceforth all the yelling) subsided. The TV was turned on and lunch was served-the girls again being moved by their preparations, although not to the point of hysterical sobbing-yet.  
They made it through the afternoon without too much trouble. It wasn't until "Where the Heart Is" came on that they knew they were in for another rough night. The girls' tears came quietly at first, but as sadder things progressed in the movie, so too did the level of crying.  
"Why won't she realize he loves her?" asked Emily, dabbing at her eyes.  
"She's all alone!" replied Rachael.  
And then "Moulin Rouge" came on. This had seemed to be a good choice at first, and indeed, the girls were very merry at several of the scenes in the beginning. But as the sad ending came nearer and nearer, they became distraught again; so Sinbad, Wesley and Sir Ian served dinner to sobbing captains yet again.  
"This will end someday-won't it?" asked Elijah, looking pale and wan.  
Johnny nodded forlornly, and said, "Some day..."  
The crew looked miserably towards the weeping captains and sighed.  
* * * * *  
By the eve of the next day, the crews were at their wits end. Most didn't believe this had only been going on for only three days- it seemed they were in eternal purgatory.  
For one thing, they had run out of Midol (BIG problem) and they were on their last box of tissues. Likewise, the seven layer chocolate cake would be the last of the chocolate. For another thing, they had made the mistake of letting the captains watch the Lord of the Rings movies, and ever since Sir Ian and Haldir had been forced to stay with them at all times, and Elijah often had to stay near the big couch for hours on end. Aragorn, Dominic, Pippin, Èomer and Legolas avoided direct contact with the captains so as to escape such treatment. Henceforth, most of the hard jobs fell to Orlando, Sinbad, Johnny, Oliver, James, Wesley and Frank; all of whom were at their wits end and most were on the edge of panic, tears or both.  
It was because of this situation that Pippin took matters into his own hands. It was after Johnny returned, shaking and white, (the captains had yelled at him, then feeling bad, starting sobbing, then when he apologized for making them cry, had gotten angry again, and then started sobbing again. He had only escaped when Legolas, who didn't know the ship too well yet, accidentally wandered on deck and the captains called for him to visit, sobbing.) that, under the cover of darkness, Pippin snuck out to one of the longboats, determined to look for something to help them.  
With all of the stress and strain they were under, the crew did not notice his absence. Indeed, they wouldn't have known he had been gone at all if they hadn't spotted the longboat returning the following afternoon.  
"It's Pippin!" exclaimed Wesley and Oliver.  
"Tom-fool of a Took!" exclaimed Sir Ian.  
"What's he got in the boat?" exclaimed Aragorn, who had just escaped from a sob-fest with the captains. Without further ado, they hoisted up the boat.  
Pippin answered none of the enquiries, all though the entire crew was relieved to see the boxes of chocolate and Midol in the boat. But what were all those other boxes?  
Pippin took one, and without fear, walked over to the huge couch. He gently and unobtrusively set the box down in plain view of the captains who were alternating between raging at the crew and sobbing as they watched more episodes of "A Wedding Story."  
It took a moment for the captains to notice the box at all, but when they did-and when the noticed what it was- their eyes lit up and they looked genuinely happy for the first time in four days. Taking up the box, they kissed Pippin on the cheeks in the manner of their normal selves and joyously opened the box of Heat Therapy Patches.  
(*insert "Hallelujah Chorus" here*)  
The remaining two days were much easier on both the crew and the captains. The Heat Therapy Patches calmed the captains enough that they no longer raged, seldom cried, and were genuinely grateful to the crew for all their efforts. The crew was considerably less stressed, only needing to maintain the cooking of chocolate and comfort food. Everyone was a lot happier, Pippin was greatly toasted and praised by all, and Aragorn's eye had stopped twitching.  
On the third morning from the arrival of the Heat Therapy Patches, when the crew arose bright and early, there was no sign of the huge couch, the giant TV nor any of the other things that had become commonplace during the past few days.  
The crew were worried at first, wondering what could have happened to the captains. But then Sinbad was the first to notice the smell of bacon and Garnier Fructis on the air.  
They whirled to see the captains standing just outside the door to the galley. But it was not the captains as they had known for the past week. These girls were clean, good-smelling, with hair put up, make-up, and attractively attired in French Maid costumes. (But not the really skanky style.)  
"We made you a little breakfast," said Emily, shyly.  
"In thanks for all your help," said Rachael, equally shy.  
The men surged over to the girls, and spent the rest of the morning feasting on eggs, bacon, omelets, sausage, biscuits, toast, and all manner of the best breakfast food. And although the S.S. Claire had returned to normal, everyone (I mean everyone) found themselves humming or singing a familiar tune for the next few days:  
  
"When we all get to heaven,  
"What a day of rejoicing that will be!  
"When we all see Jesus,  
"We'll sing and wear heat therapy patches!"  
  
* * * * * Authoress' notes: Heehee, that was fun. Girls, I know you can all relate, and guys-prepare yourselves-that was only the minorest of exaggerations. The term "snail party" as we use to refer to "that time of the month" came from a late-night sleepover discussion. The Heat Therapy Idea and its song  
come form this past pre-band camp, when I discovered the truth in those words! (The lyrics/tune was taken from the Methodist Hymnal.) Love you all! 


	11. The Cute Show Down

You all, of course, know by now that I own none of the movie/book characters or actors in these chapters, which includes National Geographic and Chicago (the soundtrack, musical or movie or anything associated with any of those).  
  
Chapter Ten: The Cute Showdown  
  
Rachael woke up a few days later not that she had slept the whole time or anything) quite well rested and happy as she always was when she woke up and found she was still on board the Hot Ship. She rose with a yawn, put on a new light urple bikini and a pair of PJ pants on over them, and stepped outside onto the deck.  
It was a bright and happy sunshiny day. Rachael breathed in deeply and went in search of Emily.  
"Ah-there you are!" called out Emily from her lawn chair, "I needed you! They try and they try-" gesturing to Haldir and Frank, who were seated at her feet, "but they don't do it as well as you. Haven't picked up the rhythm yet."  
Rachael saw that Emily (wearing a pink bikini and crayon print PJ pants) was crocheting again and was clearly trying to have Frank and Haldir feed her the yarn (not literally, of course) as she needed it. Rachael sat complacently down and took her place as yarn-feeder.  
They passed the rest of the morning pleasantly as such. In the meantime, those of the crew who were not on duty amused themselves accordingly. Orlando and Aragorn were deeply amerced in a conversations of dueling techniques with Wesley (who is probably the best swords person ever), and Johnny and Sinbad were also paying close attention. Everyone else was mixing drinks or reading the latest edition of National Geographic.  
"Rachie, love, be a doll and go get some more light blue yarn?" asked Emily, as she had come to the end of the yarn in the blanket she was making for Dominic.  
Rachael agreed and climbed up from her seat and walked over to a conveniently placed closet where they kept the yarn. She opened it and was about to grab the blue yarn and go when she saw something quite upsetting.  
"Oh no," called out Rachael, "Emily, we have a problem."  
Emily scurried over, and peered over Rach's shoulder.  
"Oh no," she said, eyes narrowed, "Not another one."  
Looking up from her little-over-three foot height, a cute little girl with glasses and short dark hair peered up at them. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She smiled up at them shyly.  
"Who are you?" asked Emily, sharply, which seemed rather uncalled for to the crew, after all the little girl was so cute.  
"Well, ma'am, I'm Kelsey, Kelsey Jiles," said the girl or as we must call her now, Kelsey.  
"Uh-huh," said Rachael, "And what are you doing here?"  
"My lady!" called Ian, trying to get her to soften her tone.  
"Well, ma'am, I'm just the cutest little girl in the whole-"  
"Don't say it!" exclaimed Emily and Rachael in unison.  
"Well, I am actually the cutest little girl in the whole entire universe, so-"  
"She said it," said Rachael to Emily, with a sigh, and Emily nodded and walked off.  
"I'll be right back," she called over her shoulder as she walked off into her bedroom.  
The crew, Rachael, and Kelsey waited patiently, if not (on the parts of the crew and of Kelsey,) somewhat apprehensively. A few minutes later the sky went black and there was a loud crack as Emily reappeared floating overhead.  
She was wearing a long white strapless dress trimmed in royal blue ribbon and a crown. She floated over head with her cloth-shawl-thingy blowing in the wind.  
"KELSEY JILES!" called Emily in a deep, womanly voice.  
Kelsey was cutely terrified, the crew was apprehensively (having gotten quite used to the captains and their antics by this time) frightened and Rachael stood there calmly, filing her nails as she waited.  
"Er-um, who are you?" asked Kelsey timidly.  
Rachael and the crew gasped in horror. Cute as she was, there is no excuse for not recognizing the-  
"THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT RECOGNISING THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE!" said Emily A.K.A. The Queen of the Universe.  
"Oh, sorry," said Kelsey.  
Rachael and the crew gasped again. If, in some far off distant world, across the time-space continuum, it were acceptable or there were some excuse not to recognize The Queen of the Universe, it would still be horribly, horribly unheard of and thus punishable not to address the Queen accordingly.  
"I WILL FORGIVE YOUR RATHER SERIOUS FAUX PA," said the Queen, "BUT I CANNOT FORGIVE YOUR BREAKING OF ONE OF THE UNIVERSAL LAWS!"  
"I didn't break one of the Universal laws!" exclaimed Kelsey.  
Emily looked to be rather angry, which, in her altered Queenly form, looked very formidable.  
"HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT THE QUEEN!" exclaimed Emily.  
"Sorry."  
"Call her 'your majesty,' if you have any hope of getting out unscathed," Rachael whispered to Kelsey. Kelsey, feeling properly chastised now, nodded, and tried again.  
"I beg your pardon, your majesty; could you tell me what Universal Law I have allegedly broken?"  
"NO!" said Emily, "BUT I CAN TELL YOU THE UNIVERSAL LAW YOU HAVE BROKEN! RACHAEL- THE RULE BOOK!"  
Rachael calmly went into their cabin, and brought out a large, thick and neatly decorated book, properly titled: The Rule Book: The Rules and Laws of the Universe.  
"READ."  
"The Yayas are the only ones who can come to the gay porn party-"  
"NO-not that one!" exclaimed Emily, sounding, for a moment, like her normal self.  
Rachael rolled her eyes and flipped to another page, before continuing.  
"The cutest girl in the Entire Universe in Lan T*** N*****, also known as Necie, Lansama or Skank. Any other claiming above said title must either by Lan a new hat in payment for above said breech of conduct and relinquish the false title OR enter into a Cute-Show Down with the current Cutest Girl in the Entire Universe, which does by the way include those territories across the time-space continuum."  
Rachael finished reading and paused to take deep breaths to recover from the large chunk of reading. Sir Ian and Johnny brought her a glass of water while the Queen began speaking.  
"NOW DO YOU SEE THE HORROR OF THIS CRIME?" asked Emily the Queen.  
"Er, no, your majesty," said Kelsey, cutely.  
Emily sighed, rolled her eyes, and floated down from her perch in mid- air to crouch over to look at Lan.  
"Look, kid," said Emily, trying to be patient, "You've broken the rule and now you either have to say you're sorry and get Lan a new hat or prove your claim to the title. Got it?"  
Kelsey nodded.  
"So which will it be?"  
"Well, I am the cutest girl in the entire universe," began Kelsey, before Rachael corrected her.  
"The Entire Universe," she said. Kelsey nodded.  
"So you are challenging Lansama?" asked Emily.  
Kelsey nodded again. "Very well," Emily stood up, walked over to where she could be seen clearly by all and she then bellowed in a deep, bellowing voice, (accompanied by flashing lightning and deep rumbling thunder in the ominously dark background), "LET THE CHALLENGE BEGIN!"  
  
* * * * *  
An hour later, there was an arena set up on the deck, with a section marked off for each of the competitors. There was a large crowd (consisting of the thoroughly befuddled and yet amused crew, family and friends of anyone there, and Members of the Court of the House of Emily Also-Known-As The Court of the Universe. Wanna apply?...email me!) gathered on the bleachers flanking the arena. Emily sat at one end of the arena on a throne, attended by Rachael, Dominic, Pippin and Èomer.  
At a symbol from Legolas (who was lurking nervously in the shadows, nervous at the presence of so many fan-girls, even though Emily had assured him that anyone attempting to skank him would be suitably punished on the basis of several Universe laws), Emily stood and the crowd went silent.  
"MY PEOPLE-" she said, before being interrupted by Wesley whirling around to look for Prince Humperdink, as that sounded remarkably like how he starts his speech announcing his betrothal to Buttercup. After his discovered Humperdink was indeed not there, he settled down. Emily and Rachael just then thought of something.  
"Uh, what happened to Buttercup?" asked Rachael, "I thought that was true love and all."  
"Yeah, so did I," said Wesley, kind of nonchalantly, "But I guess we were wrong, 'cause she ran off with some Sean Penn guy."  
"Skank," said Emily and Rachael, shaking their heads as they considered. Then Emily continued.  
"MY PEOPLE, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY-" she paused, hoping no one would confuse this with a wedding ceremony "-TO JUDGE UPON THE FACTOR OF CUTENESS. WHO INDEED IS THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE UNIVERSE? IS IT THE REIGNING CHAMP, LANSAMA? OR THE NEW CHALLENGER KELSEY JILES? YOU BE THE JUDGE!"  
Emily went on to explain the rules and how it would be the best of three rounds unless someone did something so undeniably CUTE that no one could stand it, in which case the title would be immediately surrendered to that person. Then she presented the challenger.  
"AT THREE FOOR SIX, WE HAVE THE NEW REALLY SMART NINE-YEAR OLD-"  
She paused thinking, and then signaled to Eric Chumbler (her fiancé) to come out and do the announcing that he does so well, but keeping him away from the challenger.  
"Goooooooooooood evening everyone and welcome to the Good Ship, the S.S. Claire (also known as the Hot Ship), for the first annual Cute Show- down. Your challenger tonight stands three foot six, is really smart and thinks she's really cute. I give you Keeeeeeeeeeeeeelsey Jiiiiiiiiiiles!"  
Kelsey ran out, looking cute in her sky boots and carrying her purse, accompanied by her coach, Mrs. Wear, looking bright, perky, and full of Lone Oak Purple Flash Spirit. Kelsey took a seat and Eric continued announcing.  
"AND NOW, your reigning champion, who at 18, stands four foot five on a tall day, is small but carries a lot of rage and is SO Bohemian, I gave you LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANY!"  
Lan ran out, followed by Tamela, her coach (who was trying to keep her nanas under control). The crowd went wild. Lan followed correct protocol by first curtseying to the Queen of the Universe, and her Yayas, then the announcer, and then the crowd. She pulled a face at Kelsey, looking adorably cute as she did so. Then, she walked over to her stool, where Legolas gave her a kiss (on the cheek) for good luck.  
"AND NOW LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"  
"Wait, Eric, say it," cajoled Emily and Rachael. Eric looked kind of embarrassed. Emily continued wheedling him as the crew got kind of jealous. Finally, Chumbler complied.  
"AND NOW, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRICHARD WAAAAAAAAALTER!"  
Richard Walter walked out really quickly in his basketball gear and then walked off, looking confused. Emily and Rachael settled back in their chairs, making seductive faces and blowing kisses at the crew members so they wouldn't get too jealous. Then Emily signaled to Pippin who hit the gong that symbolized the beginning of the round.  
WA-GONG!  
Kelsey, as the challenger, took the arena first, while Mrs. Wear cheered in the background. Grabbing the microphone from Eric, she began berating people for not standing up and participating. Finally, Emily had to remind her that this was NOT a pep rally and that she (as the Queen) was in charge here and that she would berate people as she saw fit. Then the competition began.  
Kelsey first displayed her cuteness by throwing free-throws from two feet past the free-throw line. She made all but one of them, and the crowd "awed" in appreciation.  
"Well, duh, she's like a foot away from the goal! Even we could make them!" whispered Rachael to Emily.  
Emily, as Queen, was not supposed to biased, but hey, Rachael had a point, and besides, Lan was her blood sister. What would you think?  
Now it was Lanny's turn. Tamela wheeled out a desk with a computer on it, looking suspiciously like the one Lan used at school in the Newspaper room. Lan walked out and took her seat. Even just sitting there designing the front page, Lan looked extraordinarily cute. But it got better.  
Soon a phone rang. Tamela walked over to answer it, and after listening, covered the receiver with her hand, as whispered to Lan (so everyone could hear):  
"LAN! It's Pain Management Co.! They want to buy an add!"  
Lan, looking super excited and super cute, ran over to the phone, and listened for a few seconds. Then she realized who it was.  
"CHUMBLER!" she yelled, running over to beat him up. Even in her wild rage, she was the cutest thing anyone had ever seen. Meanwhile, Kelsey realized that she truly had some stiff competition here. It was time for drastic measures.  
She walked out with confidence. All of the sudden, she was in the middle of a field of wild flowers, holding a baby bunny and just sitting there blinking her large eyes.  
The affect was undeniably cuter than even Lan's rage.  
The Yayas were quite upset-Tamela was wringing the towel anxiously, trying to think of what to do next, Rachael was peering anxiously at Emily, who was honestly wondering if she needed to change the rules so Lan could win. Lanny, however, looked perfectly calm as she took her place.  
She had no props, no assistance or anything to help her cause. Instead, she locked her hands behind her back, looked up towards heaven and began singing "Now-A-Days" from Chicago. Everyone listened in rapt concentration and joy as she sang the whole song. Then...  
Silence.  
Then thunderous applause and cries of "She's SOOOOO cute!" rang from every corner of the ship. Even Kelsey could not deny that the performance she had just seen was given by the Cutest Girl in the Entire Universe.  
She knelt before Lan, relinquishing her claim and asking for forgiveness.  
Lan laughed a little, then said, "It's OK. Just buy me a really cute hat. My old one was shot."  
And all God's creatures rejoiced in loud uproarious cheers, the Captains made (like it was really hard) the Yayas stay the night, and everyone took their favourite crew members into their love boudoirs and had their way with them, or the crew had their way with them...or something. At any rate, someone's way was had and everyone was happy and joyous.  
And the whole while, the ship sailed closer and closer to France...  
  
* * * * * Authoress' Notes: Heehee, that was fun as always! Thanks to Lan herself for reviewing, as you can see, I fixed your hat situation and you got a kiss for Legolas, so haha-di-haha. Congrats again on your acceptance letter! To  
everyone else, I hope you enjoyed! Sorry it took me so long to update!!  
Please review! More soon, I promise!  
Lots of Love, As Always!  
-emily- P.S. Lan, I wasn't exactly sure how tall you were, so I guessed. Hope I was  
close. 


	12. L'attaque des pirates français !

Chapter Eleven: "The Attack of the French Pirates" *Lucky you! You will be provided with sub-titles the entire time, instead  
of just when the beloved crew members and the Yayas are! Enjoy!*  
  
It was another lovely sunny day aboard the S.S. Claire. As usual, the crew was doing the real work while the Captains and the remaining Yayas meandered about, spending time with whatever hot man they could at the moment.  
At this time, Emily was curled up on a big couchy type thing with Sir Ian McKellan. I know, I know, you're all going "ERLACK! ERLACK! HE'S HER GRANDFATHER!" But even grandparents and their grandchildren need to spend some quality time together every now and again, so they were. (Rachael, meanwhile, was leading the Yayas on a tour of the crew's quarters.)  
Sir Ian leaned over and switched the CD player back to the "Duck Tales" theme song. This was all part of the brain-therapy Emily had to undergo so that the song wouldn't be stuck in her head all the time. Who knew buying that Duck Tales tote-bag at the thrift store would cause such dire consequences? As he shifted, Emily saw a peek of his heart-printed boxers.  
"Those are really nice boxers," said Emily, as he settled back onto the couch with a box of caramel bunnies.  
"Thanks," he said, taking out a bunny and eating it.  
"Where did you get them?" asked Emily, as she couldn't remember at the moment.  
"Rachael made them for me," said Ian, as he handed her a caramel bunny.  
"When?" asked Emily, not remembering Rachael being too big on the whole crafts thing.  
"The first day I came," said Ian, "When she converted me."  
"Ah," said Emily, and then she considered, "So...it was like, ''SOCCER GAME,' 'SOCCER GAME,' 'SOCCER GAME,' Let me make you some boxers, 'SOCCER GAME,' 'SOCCER GAME,' 'SOCCER GAME?''"  
Sir Ian was completely confused as he wasn't an avid soccer player in the first place, and he definitely didn't remember playing soccer on his first day on the good ship the S.S. Claire.  
"Er...excuse me?" he asked.  
"You know, 'soccer games?'" asked Emily, as if trying to probe him to remember something.  
"I'm sorry, I don't remember ever playing soccer at all on the S.S. Claire, much less on the first day," apologized Sir Ian.  
"No, no, honey," said Emily, sitting up and trying to explain, "It's an 'ode' word, 'guess.'"  
This did not help whatsoever, and Sir Ian only looked more confused. "Er...I don't understand..." he said. Luckily, at this time, Rachael, Tama, Lan, and those of the crew who were not on duty came congo line-ing out of the door that led to below-deck. As they moved up onto the deck, they all began meringue dancing. "Yayas!" called Emily, and with a snap of her fingers, the music stopped. "Aw, Emma, we were having so much fun," protested Rachael. "I know, darlings," said Emily, with an apologizing smile, "But I need to talk to the Yayas for a second." "Well, all right," complained the Yayas, and they, followed at a respectful distance by the crew, came over and sat down in front of the couchy thing so Emily could talk to them. "I've just been trying to ask Sir Ian about the 'soccer games' you played with him on his first day here, Rachael," began Emily. "Yeah, so?" asked Rachael. "Well, the thing is, I couldn't finish the conversation because he has no clue what a 'soccer game' is." The Yayas exchanged looks. "Well, did you explain that it was an 'ode' word?" asked Lan. "Yes!" exclaimed Emily, "But he has no clue what an 'ode' word is!" The Yayas gasped. "Now, 'guess,' this is a huge problem," continued Emily. "Yes, but surely the rest of the crew knows the 'ode' words, right?" said Tama, and they looked around. All the crew gathered shook their heads no. "What?" exclaimed the Yayas. "See what I mean?" said Emily, "It is my opinion that we need to let the crew in on our code."  
  
"Now, I don't know about that," said Rachael, "I mean, if they know the code, we can never speak in code!" "Yeah, but what if it's an emergency," countered Emily, "I mean, come on, what if I have to go 'OH MY GOD! RACHAEL'S GOING INTO 'SOCCER GAME' WITHDRAWAL! QUICK, ONE OF YOU CREW MEMBERS GET OVER HERE AND GIVE HER A TACO RIGHT NOW!' but they would have no idea what I was talking about, and then we'd be in bad shape." "But likewise," argued Rachael, "What if you were planning to jump Elijah in the privy and you needed me to keep everyone away, so you said, 'No-I would never jump Elijah in the privy, so you shouldn't keep everyone away, 'infractions'!' but everyone knew that 'infractions' meant 'wink, wink, I'm just joking!' and then where would we be?" "Yeah, but-" Rachael and Emily continued arguing, with occasional input by the Yayas, and the crew paid attention and tried to learn what all of the 'ode' words, or if you haven't figured it out yet, code words meant. They didn't stop until Wesley and Èomer called to the captains from their positions at the wheel. "Perhaps you'd better see this," said Wesley, while Èomer nodded. So the girlies left their argument for the moment and went over to look at what the two men needed them to see. "Just off the starboard bow," directed Wesley. Emily, Rachael, Tamela and Lan exchanged looks, then looked at Orly and Aragorn, who sighed and nodded. Instantly, the "Star Trek" song from church camp blared over the fantastic sound system, and the Yayas, Pippin, Legolas, Frank, Arthur and James Bond broke into the dance that went along. The rest of the crew looked like they wanted to join in, but Aragorn and Orly were rolling their eyes at the captains, so they resisted. (But secretly, those two wanted to join in as well, they just didn't know how to show it. Also, they knew that if everyone joined in, they would all be extremely side-tracked and might never see whatever was lurking off the starboard bow.) Finally, the crew managed to direct the captains' attention back towards the matter at hand. Emily and Rachael climbed back up to peer off into the distance. "It looks like a ship," said Rachael. Emily nodded, and held out her hand as a demand for the Turban of Surban. Aragorn reached over and put in her hand...a spy glass?? "A spy glass?" everyone chorused, "OH! THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED!" YEAH! Shouted the thunderous voice from above, which was obviously the Authoress Extraordinaire, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? NO ONE TOLD ME WHAT IT WAS CALLED! YOU KNOW WHO HAD TO TELL ME? MY MOM! UNGRATEFUL WRETCHES! "Hey, Authoress Extraordinaire, cool thundering-voice-from-above-thing! Where'd you get it?" asked Lan, in an admiring tone. ER-I...UM...BORROWED IT FROM SWEET SATURN (SS), said the Authoress Extraordinaire, BUT ANYWAY...UH...YA'LL SUCK, 'CAUSE YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME...ER... "Hey, Authoress Extraordinaire," said Emily, kindly, "We get the point and we'll do better next time. How about you go away and let your mom use the computer for a little bit?" ER...OK, thundered the thunderous voice from above, BUT WHEN I GET BACK, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! "OK," smiled the Yayas, sweetly and indulgently, "We sure will. Have fun!" So the thunderous voice from above wondered off, and the captains, crew and Yayas of the S.S. Claire returned to the spy glass matter. "I don't like this," said Emily, after surveying the spy glass for a few minutes. She turned to Aragorn and handed back the spy glass. "Turban of Surban, please." Aragorn complied and handed her the Turban of Surban. Emily put it on, surveyed the scene before and sighed. "Not again," she said, handing the Turban of Surban to Rachael. "What is it?" enquired Johnny. "Pirates," said Emily complacently, speaking as if she had only forgotten her toothbrush on a spend the night or something. "Pirates?!" exclaimed the crew. "Yeah," said Rachael, in the same tone, once she had finished looking, "We'd better get ready." The crew yelled something unintelligible that meant they agreed, and ran off. All except Orlando. "Er...look..." he said, "You're not gonna wear prom dresses this time, are you?" The Yayas exchanged glances. The prom dresses did, after all, protect them, but at the same time, they were rather cumbersome. "Nah," they said in unison, a few minutes later, "Too hard to maneuver." And with that, everyone ran off to do their jobs.  
  
* * * * * "All right, men," called Emily, "On my signal!" The ship was in sight, and the crew of the S.S. Claire was ready to fire should hostilities commence. The deck was silent as the pirate ship came into view, steadily moving closer to the S.S. Claire. "Nous ferons frire votre rate avec des intestins de grenouille !" yelled the crew of the opposing ship. (We'll fry your spleen with frog innards!) "Er...what?" said every single person aboard the S.S. Claire in unison. "Nous pensons que vous gagneriez, mais tristement vous manquez des pouces opposable!" called the pirates again. (We'd think you'd win, but sadly you lack opposable thumbs!) "That's not English," concluded Lan, a few minutes later. "Thank you, Lan, for that astute observation," said Rachael, sarcastically. "What language is it?" Lan, highly affronted, smacked Rachael in the nana, and a full out Knock-A- Nana war would have ensued, had Emily not glared in their direction. "We have more important things to worry about right now!" exclaimed Emily, while Tamela made a face at the Yayas behind Emily's back. "Now, does anyone know what language they are speaking?" "It's not Elvish," said Legolas. "It's not Rohhirim," said Èomer. "It's not-" began Sinbad, but Emily cut him off with a roll of her eyes. "Yes, yes, that's all very well," she said, "I don't care what language it's NOT, I want to know what language it IS!" The crew looked slightly abashed, and Emily asked again. "Does anyone know what language they're speaking?" No one said anything. Emily was looking a little annoyed. "Look, Ems, what does it matter?" asked Rach. "Well, perhaps they are trying to tell us something important. But we don't understand them and so we attack them? Not very smart." Emily explained. Everyone saw the reason in this, and they were about to comment when the rogue pirate crew of indiscernible origin began yelling again. "Nous souhaitons que nous ayons eu des bandeaus comme vos femmes ressemblent aux chiens!!" (We wish we had blindfolds as your women look like dogs!) "Look," said Elijah, after that, "I don't know what language they're speaking or what they said, but I'm guessing that it's not very nice, so perhaps we should do something?" Everyone agreed, and they all ran to man their battle stations. "All right, men, wait and see what they do!" called Emily, standing on a barrel, and the Yayas gathered protectively behind her. "Le boulon de Tash tombe d'en haut ! " called the pirates, and with that, they fired at the S.S. Claire. (The bolt of Tash falls from above!) "Watch it, men!" called Emily, and luckily, the shot flew over their heads. "FIRE ONE!" The men fired a shot, which did indeed hit, causing the pirates to yell back at them. "VOUS CHEVALIERS ANGLAIS SALES! NOUS ESPÉRONS VOS FONDS TOUT L'ABSCÈS AVEC DES ÉBULLITIONS !" yelled the pirates, really angry, now. (YOU DIRTY ENGLISH KNIGHTS! WE HOPE YOUR BOTTOMS ALL FESTER WITH BOILS!) "I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING!" yelled Rachael and Emily. "Where are the subtitles?" asked Lan, quickly, thinking. "SUB-TITLES! Yes! That's it!" exclaimed the captains, preparing to run off in search of the sub-titles, "Aragorn! You're in charge!" And with that, they tore off, searching the ship high and low for sub- titles. Meanwhile, the ships fired back and forth, with much shouting in various languages from both sides. The Yayas were pretty much frantic, as they could find sub-titles no where. "WHY, GOD, WHY?" they implored, on their knees. AH-HA! Thundered a thunderous voice from above, I TOLD YOU YOU'D PAY! "Authoress Extraordinaire!" gasped the Yayas, as the crew ignored the thunderous voice from above, and continued firing away. YES, 'TIS I! Thundered the Authoress Extraordinaire, AND SEE HOW YOU SUFFER AT MY HANDS! THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO KEEP INFORMATION FROM ME! "Yes, yes," said Emily and Rachael, "We're very sorry, we won't do it again!" NOT GOOD ENOUGH! "Er...very sorry?" pleaded the captains. NOPE! "Look," said Lan, getting annoyed, "I don't think I said you could borrow my thunderous-voice-from-above, so unless you want a Sweet Saturn butt- kickin', you'd best be puttin' on the sub-titles!" ...NOW THAT IS CONVINCING! HERE YA' GO! And with that, a remote control fell from the sky into their waiting hands. Tamela fiddled with it, and then pointed it at the pirates, and pressed a button. Instantly, there were subtitles! "Comment défi nous attaquez-vous? Maintenant notre bateau est tout le plein des trous!" yelled the pirates. ("How dare you attack us? Now our ship is all full of holes!") "YEAH- well you smell bad!" yelled the crew, for lack of a better come back. "Nous vous enseignerons à salir avec la résistance française !" replied the pirates. ("We'll teach you to mess with the French Resistance!") "The French Resistance?" repeated everybody. They turned to look to the captains for help. They literally saw light bulbs go off over the Yayas' heads. "EMILY!" yelled the three Yayas, "AREN'T YOU THE LEADER OF THE FRENCH RESISTANCE?" "Yes!" yelled Emily, "QUICK! Go get the supplies!" With that, the Yayas raced off, then returned, each carrying something different. Tamela drew a little curly moustache on Emily, Lan, gave her a completely black ensemble, and Rachael supplied the beret. Then Emily, with cries from the crew to be careful, stood on the barrel, and yelled to the French Resistance Pirate crew. "COMMENT DÉFI VOUS," she bellowed. "QUE VOUS A INCITÉ À VOUS PENSER A PU ATTAQUER LE CHEF DE LA RÉSISTANCE FRANÇAISE ? AVEZ-VOUS PENSÉ QUI ÉTAIT FUTÉ ? VOUS VOUS AVEZ PENSÉ PARTIRIEZ AVEC LUI ?" ("HOW DARE YOU!" she bellowed, "WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD ATTACK THE LEADER OF THE FRENCH RESISTANCE? DID YOU THINK THAT WAS SMART? DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT?") By this time, the French Resistance pirates were cowering in fear and shame. Emily continued berating them mercilessly. "ET VOUS AVEZ HURLÉ DE TELLES CHOSES HORRIBLES AU SUJET DE MON ÉQUIPAGE! Je NE PENSE PAS Que Je PEUX VIVRE AVEC LUI ! ! ALLEZ-VOUS -EN ET NE M'ATTAQUEZ ENCORE JAMAIS ! VOUS ÊTES CHANCEUX Je NE VOUS TOURNEZ PAS DEDANS POUR CECI !" she finished. ("AND YOU YELLED SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT MY CREW! I DON'T THINK I CAN LIVE WITH IT!! GO AWAY AND NEVER ATTACK ME AGAIN! YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T TURN YOU IN FOR THIS!" she finished.) "Nous sommes désolés, nous n'avons pas su," whimpered the pirates. ("We're sorry, we didn't know!" whimpered the pirates.) And with that, they sailed away in terror. The crew let out a huge cheer of victory, but then had to survey the damages. Oliver and Dom took down quite an extensive list of repairs and supplies. "I'm tired of all this," sighed Emily, "Isn't there a quicker way?" "Sir Ian!" called Rachael. "Well, I'm not really that sort of wizard," he protested. "Please? Just this once?" pleaded Rachael. "Well...all right," he consented, and went off to dress as Gandalf the White, and repair the ship. The repairs took no time, and soon the crew was back to their usual antics. "We must be getting close to France," reasoned Emily, as she meringued by Rachael and Johnny with Frank. "Yes-indeedy-do," said Rachael. "Now, about those 'ode' words..." began Emily, and they argued and meringued the rest of the night away.  
  
* * * * *  
  
AN: Yay! I hope you enjoyed! Thanks to Lan for sending the review involving 'ode' words! (And the Yayas for making them up with me!) All translations are courtesy of altavista.com It's a great place, ya'll! Drop me a line! Love ya! -Emily 


End file.
